How to Hold On To Our Kids, or How to Reclaim Them

Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D.

Part IV - How to Hold On To Our Kids, or How to Reclaim Them

Three chapters here, including a chapter about discipline.

Attachment involves four basics:

- Get their attention and a friendly response. With babies, we'll do anything to make them smile, but when they get older, we tend to get their attention only when we need to correct them, and, later, not at all. Make it a habit to use a friendly greeting that includes eye contact and a smile to establish a connection.

- Offer something to attach to. With babies, we offer a finger for them to grasp. Hugs, something we have in common, or a shared interest work with older children. It must be an unexpected gift, an invitation to connect with us. Praise, which is conditional, doesn't count.

- Invite dependence without forcing your help. With babies, we hold out our arms as an offer to pick them up. Don't push children to be independent, but don't jump in to help without asking. It will be seen as interfering. Children are created to mature towards independence; we needn't fear that allowing them to depend on us will prevent them from growing up.

- Act as the child's compass point. With babies, we carry them around and talk to them, explaining what they're seeing. With older children, tell them what's going on, who's who, what's going to happen, what to expect. Inform, introduce, be a guide. Peer culture makes adults feel lost, but teen confidence is deceptive - they're more lost than they let on.

Children who are already lost to peer culture can still be won back. We can invite and entice, although it's up to the child to respond. We can't force it. But be encouraged: even the most hardened, hostile teen needs a nurturing parent, and needs to be parented in order to truly grow up. Separating children from peers in order to create an attachment void is necessary. Restrict peer time, and be there yourself instead. Weekend excursions, family vacations, even grounding can provide opportunities to connect in a positive way.

Make the relationship a priority, and reinforce how much you love your child when he needs it most (and deserves it least). As parents, our first priority should be the attachment. Next should be the child's long-term maturing process, and society's behavioral expectations should come after that.

When our kids reject us, it's easy to give up and resign them to their peers. But our kids interpret that as abandonment. If tough love is necessary, it's better to provide a place for the child to go - a relative, or a good school. Kids are all different. Some need hugs, some need loyalty, some need time, some need to be understood - know your child's 'love language.' Become close and intimate with your child. Remember, peer groups rarely open up to each other or allow themselves to be vulnerable to each other. Find an activity that invites conversation. "A child who feels known and understood is not likely to be satisfied with the poorer fare that peer orientation offers."

Limit TV/phone/computer time, and time with peers. Protect family time, family outings, meals together, bedtime rituals, walking together. Plan things to do together to interfere with peer-bonding times. Encourage friends whose families cherish their family time. Peer-addicted kids will protest vehemently when we come between them and their peer group, but it's for their own good. Use the time away from peers to court your child back to you.

Discipline should teach and train without putting distance in the attachment relationship, and driving our kids towards peers. Use the "Seven Disciplines for Parents:"

1. Use connection, not separation. Time-out can be interpreted as abandonment, making the child insecure so that he promises to be good out of fear of loss. Eventually, the child will shut us out and move towards peers. Separation triggers detachment in the child.

2. When there are problems, work on the relationship rather than the behavior or incident, especially when the child is mad and tries to push our buttons. 'Teaching the kid a lesson' won't work in these situations.

3. Try to turn frustration into sadness of resignation instead of using it to 'teach a lesson.' Kids need to learn to accept disappointment and adapt.

4. Value good intentions (heart) over desired actions (behavior). It needs to be the child who chooses to do right, not us forcing him.

5. Impulsive behavior can't be cured by telling/nagging a child to stop. Children need to reflect and think through what they do and learn to temper their impulses, so try to make them conscious of what they're doing.

6. Help impulsive children by scripting and modeling the proper behavior. Give cues. Explain how to do what he needs to do; walk him through the steps and show him what it looks like.

7. If you can't change the child, change his world. Reduce his frustration when possible. This should be a last resort, because children need to learn to do right rather than expecting the world to conform to them.

Next: Preventing Peer Orientation