Unconditional Parenting: 9. Choices for Children

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

9. Choices for Children

Nobody likes to have everything about their life decided for them and dictated to them. Children should be allowed to choose how to live their lives as much as possible, and they should be allowed to help come up with solutions about issues that affect them. Explain and discuss, but let them have the final say whenever you can. It's not always possible, but inviting them to have a say and honestly considering their opinion tells them that you care. Unconditional parenting means working with the child, not forcing all your arbitrary decisions on them. It also doesn't mean leaving them to do whatever they want (that's neglect, not parenting). Unconditional parenting requires a high level of parental involvement.

Labelling punishments as a choice is unfair: "You chose a time-out by breaking the rule" So is calling it choice when there's only one real option: "Do you want to wash dishes now, or during your favorite TV show?"

Sometimes it isn't possible to give children a choice. When a decision has to be made for them and they resist, use the least intrusive method of getting them to comply. Be honest about the decision, and explain why they have to do it this way. Make it fun if you can. Let them see you accept unpleasant realities of life with grace. And let them make choices that affect their lives whenever it's feasible.

Unconditional Parenting: 8. Love Without Strings Attached

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

8. Love Without Strings Attached

This one is shorter because I found it less inspiring (it's old news to me) and I really want to get to chapter ten.



A How-to list that includes limiting the number, intensity, and scope of your criticisms and looking for alternatives to criticism. Our goal shouldn't be making a child feel rotten about himself (because now he's thinking about himself, rather than others who hisbehavior affects). Ideally, simply drawing a child's attention to the way his actions made someone else feel should be enough to make the point.

The most important part of this chapter explained why praising good behavior backfires. The gist is that, "When unconditional love and genuine enthusiasm are always present, 'Good job!' isn't necessary; when they're absent, 'Good job!' won't help.' Praising kids for good behaviors puts the focus on themselves and how to earn another praise, instead of where it should be--on the person at the receiving end of that action. A parent may acknowledge and notice a kind act, but not make a judgement call on it, or on the child. Say "You set the table! That makes it easier for me!" instead of, "you're a good helper!" Or ask what the child thinks of his painting when he shows it to you instead of making a judgement of whether it's 'good.'

Children need to draw satisfactions from their actions themselves and not look to others to approve or validate them for doing right.

How to Fold a Note Into an Envelope

How to Fold a Note into an Envelope

I have an obsession with envelopes. I previously posted a link about how to fold a bus note.

Unconditional Parenting: 7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

This is the heart of the book. Kohn lays out principles instead of providing exact steps and scripts to successful unconditional parenting. Charlotte Mason did that with her book suggestions: instead of giving a list of titles, she wrote up some principles so that parents could pick their own books.

Unconditional parenting focuses on working with the child, not doing to the child. We shouldn't ask ourselves how to make our child do what we want, but what our child needs, and how we can meet those needs needs.

1. Be reflective - search out your own reasons for doing what you do, be honest about your motives.

2. Reconsider your requests - is what you're asking fair? Is it important enough in the grand scheme of things to enforce it?

3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals - if your goal is to raise responsible, caring, creative children - does your reaction to her spilled milk or loss of temper assist those goals?

4. Put the relationship first - Being right isn't always what's most important. It's more important to have an atmosphere of trust and respect between parent and child.

5. Change how you see, not just how you act - This kind of parenting is a totally different perspective, a new paradigm, for many people. Try to see issues as opportunities to teach, problems to work through together, instead of as infractions to punish.

6. Respect - Don't talk about your kids as if they aren't there. Don't insist they must be cold, or that it isn't anything to be upset about. Respect kids enough to accept that they don't need us to tell them how they feel.

7. Be Authentic - be transparent, apologize if you're wrong. Don't be afraid of being knocked off your pedestal.

8. Talk less, ask more - Instead of demanding and then punishing the child for not complying, find out *why* they aren't complying. They may have a valid reason. Ask open-ended questions, not questions that require your pre-determined answer, such as, "what do you say when you bump your sister?"

9. Keep their ages in mind - remember that children may not be developmentally capable of being still, or being quiet, or whatever you're asking.

10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts - don't assume a child bumped his sister on purpose. Ask questions, find out *why* the child did what he did.

11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily - Maybe your child really can climb the stairs by himself. Why not let him try? Reflect and see if you can say 'yes' before you automatically say no.

12. Don't be rigid - Decide each situation on its own merit. Surprise your kids sometimes with a treat.

13. Don't be in a hurry - Rearrange your routine so that you're not constantly stressed about time - shop when you have time to let your child look around, get up earlier so there's less rush to get him out the door. This is especially true with toddlers.

Homeschool methods - What's Your Flavor?

Linda Fay wrote this post about choosing homeschool curriculum.

Unconditional Parenting: 6. What Holds Us Back?

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

6. What Holds Us Back?

We may know that control and conditional parenting are ineffective - so what keeps us from changing? We have to address the reasons we do what we do if we really want to change. Kohn lists several reasons why parents continue to do what they suspect isn't working.

We repeat what's familiar. The way we were parented and what we see everyone else doing seems normal and comfortable. Even when we know it isn't working, it's hard to break away from what we're used to.

As a society, in spite of what we say, we don't truly value children. Parents buy things to keep them occupied and out of the way, and society prefers well-behaved children (quiet, still kids - not real kids who are curious and energetic). It's acceptable to be disrespectful and rude to children. Although most children are harshly reprimanded (my own perception is that too many children are punished only after they've annoyed their parents, but they aren't always trained), the general perception is that today's kids are out of control and allowed to run wild--and need more spankings. But good parenting isn't necessarily harsh and authoritative. "Parents who seem oblivious to how their children are annoying strangers and getting into mischief are often equally oblivious to their children's needs. That's an argument not for more discipline, but for grown-ups to spend more time with kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect." In other words, what the naughty little boy in Barnes and Noble really needs isn't a good spanking, but parents who will spend more time with him, loving and teaching him.

Parenting books tell us that we need to "win" our parenting battles--placing us in an adversarial position against our kids. Parents with a competitive need to win will tend to get impressive, well-behaved children at any cost. And parents who value conformity will pressure their kids to appear well-behaved, using whatever methods seem to enforce conformity.

Parents misjudge what kids are capable of doing--they assume they can dress themselves and them punish them when they can't. They may expect them to sit still, and them punish them when they can't.

As a culture, we have the idea of retribution and justice so ingrained in us that we feel a strong need to "make kids pay" when they do wrong, so we inflict suffering on them to appease our sense of vengeance even when it doesn't really teach the right lesson. The satisfaction of seeing them "get what they deserve" may override the long-range goals we have for raising our children.

Parents may over-react when they sense that they're losing control by being more controlling. In our fear of them running wild, we tighten the reins too much. There's no balance, just a wavering from one extreme to the other. Or, we let things go until we finally get aggravated enough to do something--and punishing is the only alternative we know. It's either let kids get away with stuff, or punish them--we don't know of anything in the middle.

Kohn says that harsh authitarian parenting has its roots in religion that preaches "Do what you're you're told; you'll become rich and get to watch your enemies die." But that's a caricature; Christians may be followers (like anyone else), but it's unfair to characterize them the way he does. More commonly, I see Christians jumping on the bandwagon of whatever is trendy, whether it's Dobson, Pearl/Train Up a Child, or Ezzo/Growing Kids God's Way. When churches hold gentle parenting seminars, Christians will do that just as readily. So I definitely disagree with Kohn - being a Christian doesn't automatically make a person a believer in harsh discipline, and throwing out religion isn't necessary to be a respectful, understanding parent who guides without over-control.

Our own limitations, anxieties, past misconceptions and scars can influence not only how we react to our kids, but how we perceive their actions. We may view innocent childhood immaturity (like carelessly breaking a vase) as deliberate naughtiness meant to hurt us--and then react to that. How we view ourselves--did we feel accepted as children ourselves?--can influence how we perceive our children. In fact, we may be so focused on our own unmet childhood needs, that we overlook our children. Some parents are distant and afraid of getting too close because of their own history.

Parents may be afraid that they'll be perceived as inadequate or even judged by others if their children aren't perfect, so they keep their kids under tight control. Or they may feel powerless if they don't maintain strict control. We may be too overprotective and not allow our kids to be kids. We may fear that our kids will be too babyish and rush them into independence (early potty training, early weaning, removing the pacifier and blankie) before they're ready. Or, we may be so afraid of becoming permissive that we lay down strict rules with harsh enforcement to keep permissiveness at bay.

Parents need to consider why they do what they do, and ask themselves, "Is it possible that what I just with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what's really in their best interests?"

Kwikila

We've had a two-week stretch of brown drought here, and in the last few days this poem has been coming to my mind over and over again. Beatrice posted it at the Beehive a couple of years ago. Unfortunately she didn't know the author, and as I can't find anything more about it online it will have to stay anonymous. It's no less powerful for that.



Kwikila

Two still-green trees rub together
as if for reassurance
that the wind that grates
will carry too;
carry clouds, heavy clouds,
full clouds and black;
to fall and to dampen,
to drench and to soak —
deep into the pores of the earth.

The stream-beds are paths
for the lizard and the snake;
the reed-beds are brown
and blackened — (last week,
another fire went along there)
and the boulders which
rolled along
in the floods are quite still;
still with the stillness
of tragedy brewing,
still with the stillness
of death.

Men curse the wind
for its transitory promises—
dark clouds build up
(and our hopes with them too)
and are blown away;
or, worse still, come over,
intact and inticing,
to cynically spatter
verandahs and faces
before passing on . . .

A desk — and textbooks strewn;
lately my eyes have been wandering
more and more. But my window
still frames the same picture
of a bright, empty sky
(called gorgeous in Sydney, where
storm clouds abound),
and grass, grey with despair—
dust hangs in a curl
(thrown up by a wheel);
it seems, almost, to have
been hanging there
for months now.

O Lord, I murmur,
and murmur again-

Please send us rain.




[In the calm of the evening the clouds broke today, and after two weeks we at last had rain. - Tim]

How Does a Poem Mean?

How Does a Poem Mean? by John Ciardi

I'm going to be reading this with Tim and J over the summer; we'll start Monday and plan to read 8-10-ish pages at a time, reading 6 days in the week, and hopefully finishing before Tim goes off to college and J starts school/co-op. Here is our schedule; if you have the book, we'd welcome some conversation as we read and post.

June 29-July 5
Introductory/C.h 1 How Does a Poem mean? pg 663-671
after Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Eve pg 671-677
Ch. 2 A Burble Through the Tulgey Woods pg 678-685
Folk Ballads pg 685-692
Edward pg 692-702
The Yarn of Nancy Bell pg 702-708

July 6-12
Ch. 3 By Rippling Pools pg 709-716
The Haystack in the Floods/The Listeners pg 716-721
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner pg 721-738
Mr. Flood's Party pg 738-744
The Eve of St. Agnes/Death of the Hired Man/Love Song of Alfred Prufrock pg 744-761
Ch. 4 The Words of Poetry pg 762-768

July 13-19
The Word in a Poem pg 768-774
The Phrase as a Form pg 774-781
Pier delle Vigne pg 781-790
6. The Language of good poetry is exact pg 790-795
Burning the Letters pg 796-802
Blue Girls pg 802-811

July 20-26
Poems for Study pg 811-818
Adonais pg 818-830
In Memory of WB Yeats pg 830-836
Dover Beach pg 836-845
Ch. 5 The Sympathetic Contract pg 846-852
When He Who Adores Thee pg 853-858

July 27-Aug 2
Lady, Was It Fair of Thee pg 858-863
Ch. 6 The Image and the Poem pg 864-872
A Valediction Forbidding Mourning pg 872-882
Ode on the Death of a Favorite Cat pg 883-892
This is Just to Say pg 892-900
Poems for Study pg 900-910

Aug 3-9
How Do I Love Thee pg 910-919
Ch. 7 The Poem in Motion pg 920-926
With Rue My Heart is Laden pg 926-934
Poems for Guided Study pg 934-945
To Mistress Margaret Hussey pg 946-953
Poems for Individual Analysis pg 953-964

Aug 10-16
Tom O' Bedlam's Song pg 964-972
The 'Revenge' pg 972-984
Early Evening Quarrel pg 984-993
Ch. 8 The Poem in Countermotion pg 994-998
The Fury of Aerial Bombardment pg 998-1004
Before Disaster pg 1005-1013

Aug 17-18
My Luve pg 1013-1022

School Schedules Done

I'm getting an early start on our planning for next year. Tim will be in college, and we'll be involved in two co-ops, a high school co-op for J, and a CM co-op (field trips, nature study) with L and Miss M. This past year, J struggled with the amount of schoolwork he had, and I didn't want to repeat that, plus we'll be having four-day weeks (we'll be losing a day to co-op). The recent CM Conference got me thinking that we need to re-focus on relationships, and start fresh with narrations. I had all of these thoughts rattling around in my brain, so I thought the best way to deal with that was to go ahead and have our plan on paper so I could tangibly see what our year will look like, school-wise.

I like to have a daily schedule (because when I don't, it's too easy to get nothing done at all). So I've made up J's and L's daily schedules for next year.

I also did a daily schedule for a student who's new to homeschooling and will be preparing for Year 7 next year - this is a version of Pre7 based partly on her reading level, and partly on the books they already had.

Miss M is four, and will be starting AO Year 0 a year from now.

Unconditional Parenting: 5. Pushed to Succeed

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

This chapter didn't grab my attention much because I don't know people who really pressure their children; this is something I hear caricatured more than I actually see it happen in real life. Jack Beckman said that Kohn tends to caricature parents to make his point, and I can see that. But I think most parenting writers do that.

5. Pushed to Succeed

Kids can feel stressed and depressed when their parents are more concerned about their future success than their well-being. It can drive kids to be competitive to win, rather than focusing on the more important purpose of doing well. They may assess their worth based on how they rate in class, or sports, or whatever. Sometimes those parents are after their own glory - the honor of being the parent of a success.

In school, rewarding children for good grades makes them less interesting in the learning itself. The focus on succeeding may make them choose the least challenging assignments. Not only is the grade their focus, but the fear of failure is too much of a risk to take on a challenge. They also tend to skim for answers instead of tackling tough questions and reflecting - so they don't learn to be deep thinkers. In school, just like in discipline, control tends to backfire. Worst of all is when parents offer acceptance and affection based on school grades.

In sports, parents sometimes pressure their kids to win, to be the best. Although parents may claim that they just want their kids to enjoy themselves, saying, 'we only want our son to do his best,' is a different message than telling him to have fun. It carries an implied pressure to win. Competitive sports can bring out the worst in parents.

Does competition motivate people to do their best? If children know they have our unconditional love and don't need to earn it, won't it make them lazy? Isn't it human nature to do as little as possible?

Children who know they're loved unconditionally will probably accept themselves and have positive self-regard without being arrogantly self-satisfied. Such a person isn't inclined to sit around and do nothing. They'll be more willing to take the risks of challenging projects because their self-worth isn't riding on the outcome.

Unconditional Parenting: 4. Punitive Damages

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

Before I go any further, let me say - Jack Beckman recommended reading Unconditional Parenting along with Shepherding a Child's Heart, so I've had that one next on my list. I'm having second thoughts, though, after hearing reviews like the ones posted at GCM here and here.

I was also surprised to learn that Alfie Kohn is revered by TCS parents (Taking Children Seriously/non-coersion at all costs), although Unconditional Parenting, which I'm enjoying and mostly agreeing with, at least in theory, is considered less extreme than other books of his. I may try to find something somewhere in the middle - unconditional, "working with" instead of "doing to," but that has no problem recognizing the parental need to set limits and teach boundaries.

4. Punitive Damages

The concept of punishment is to make kids suffer to teach them a lesson. But "how likely is it that intentionally making children unhappy will prove beneficial in the long run? And: If punishment is so effective, how come I have to keep doing it to my child over and over?" A 1957 study showed that punishment was ineffective at curing aggression, clinginess, bedwetting, and other grievances. Newer studies show that kids who are punished for breaking rules tend to break rules more when they're not home. Spanking makes children more aggressive and imparts the lesson that "you can get your way with people who are weaker than you are by hurting them."

But spanking isn't the only way that parents inflict suffering on their children to teach them a lesson. There's also depriving children of affection or privileges, humiliation or isolation. These 'new, improved' forms of punishment may be re-labeled as consequences and justified because they're 'logical' or because they're spelled out in advance. But that's really just a way of threatening: 'If you do this, I'll do that.' Natural consequences--allowing a child to go hungry if they're late for dinner, or to be wet if they forget a raincoat--carries the subtle message that 'Mom could have helped me, but she wouldn't be bothered.'

When kids rebel against punishment and control and become defiant, the usual advice is to use *more* punishment and *more* control - which leads to a vicious cycle. Parents assume it's the child who's the problem, and never challenge whether the whole concept of punishment itself might not be at fault. "Misbehavior and punishment are not opposites that cancel each other out; on the contrary, they breed and reinforce each other."

Kohn lists probable reasons why punishment is counterproductive:
- It makes the child mad because he's helplessly controlled
- It models a misuse of power
- As kids get older, it becomes less effective. What then?
- It erodes our relationships with our kids
- It puts the child's focus on his unfair treatment instead on the real issue.
- It impedes moral thinking by putting the child's focus on himself (avoiding punishment) instead of others

Punishment doesn't work, and *more* punishment won't make it any more effective. Adding warnings and explanations doesn't make it work better - if a child doesn't share, then explaining why they need to share, and also taking the toy away, will cancel out the explanation and direct the child's focus to the loss of the toy rather than the misdeed.

The "doing to" approach to parenting (including spanking, consequences, rewards and even verbal praise) is based on a faulty premise. As long as a parent has these in their parenting toolbox, the less likely they'll be to try the "working with" approach.

CM Conference Notes: The Relational Paradigm of Christianity

[These are my notes from a two-part lecture by Jason Fletcher about moving to a model for life that's based on relationships rather than self-service or capitalism - Tim]


The Relational Paradigm of Christianity: Part 1

Social isolation is growing. A quarter of the people in the US say that they have no one to confide in. Because people are busier, because people move more, because of TV, and because of a strongly individualistic worldview, society is becoming more fragmented. We can call this the "I World". Studies show that materialism is also a problem: our GDP is increasing steadily, but happiness with life hasn't changed.

So we need a new paradigm. It's the quality of our relationships that determines our happiness, and Christianity is a relational religion.


1. Christianity is a relational religion

Christianity is unique in that it sees God as a triune being with relationship built in. Taking that further, we could say that an isolated person is an oxymoron--true personhood can only exist in a relationship. We have needs that can only be met by relationships. But only in the Trinity do we see a relationship in which each individual's needs are met perfectly. Good relationships (including the Trinity) are others-centered. Sin is a failure of relationships. It is becoming less than a full person.


2. The Nature of a Good Relationship

Christianity promises that in the end we shall have perfect relationships with God and men. But in the meantime we are becoming more Christ-like. (See Micah 6:8.) Matthew 22:32-40, "Love the Lord...love thy neighbor." This is what Christianity is all about. God wants us to culture good relationships.

Good relationships have two things: relational values and relational conditions. (Keeping in mind that all relationships are imperfect.) Relational values, taken from a study of the Old Testament, include steadfast love (which could also be called loyalty or compassion); righteousness, which means fulfilling the duties of a specific relationship; justice, seeking to right wrongs; faithfulness and truthfulness (in Hebrew the two words are almost interchangeable); mercy, compassion; forgiveness; and generosity (which is linked to loyalty, but goes beyond it).

There are five relational conditions (gleaned from Old Testament law). 1) Directness. Face-to-face encounters and communication. This is important because we communicate so much non-verbally. Emails, phone calls, letters, etc. lose that part of communication. They are also focused on information rather than interaction. Directness means close and attentive presence. 2) Continuity: the amount of time we invest in relationships (including our relationship with God). We can think of a 24-hour period like a box: you can squish it one way and make it long but thin; or you can squish it the other way, which will make it cover less but will make it deeper. "Quality time" isn't as important as simple quantity time. 3) Multiplexity: the depth of knowledge we have about the other in a relationship. The number of contexts we know a person in. We should avoid one-dimensional relationships. 4) Parity: managing differences in power between people in the relationship. The proper use of authority (not to be confused with equality). 5) Commonality, purpose. A relationship is strengthened by a shared vision or shared interests.

Good relationships have all of the qualities described above.

Charlotte Mason taught that children should be treated as human beings, full persons in their own right. The teacher is a mentor in the student's quest for knowledge. There is a relationship between the teacher and the child. There is also a relationship between the student and the ideas. Because relationships are so pivotal--to education as well as to being and knowing--the character of the teacher is extremely important.


3. Relational Agenda: the explanatory power of the relational perspective.

(Part 2: A Christian Perspective on the Environment)

The wider realm of relationships. Social action (immediate aid) and social reform (changing laws, addressing causes rather than symptoms). The vision is not capitalism but relationism. Any judgment of an act must measure its wider relational impact.

Jesus said, "Love God, love neighbor," not "love earth". Our "relationship" with earth is distinct from person-to-person relationships. But there are several reasons why we should care about (for) the earth. 1) Because God does. 2) Because He has told us to (Genesis 3:15). 3) Because we have dominion over the earth as God's representatives. We are to be servant-kings (shepherd-kings) like Him. 4) Because we are connected to and dependent upon the earth. Even Man's name, "Adam," comes from the word "earth". The failure to care for creation is a failure of love. When we harm the environment we harm our neighbors through it, and our relations that extend into the future. 5) Because God has promised to restore creation as part of His salvation plan. And we, as Christians, should proclaim and demonstrate redemption in all its forms.

Two ways to care for the earth: rest and roots. Rest: keeping the Sabbath as God did. The need for rest is built into creation. Land produces best when it has fallow years. So we should limit our take, not squeezing every last drop out of the earth. We're supposed to take a shared day off; only in this way does a day of rest do what it's supposed to do for our relationships. Roots. (See Leviticus 25, about the Year of Jubilee.) In ancient Israel the outright purchase of land was forbidden. And every fifty years all leases ended and the land was returned to its original family. This created a connection with the land, because the same family kept the same land, and also a connection within families, because members of a family lived near each other. As communities weaken, our reliance upon centralized government increases. (There was also a ban on usury in ancient Israel, which helped to prevent a sharp class distinction from arising.)

Further research: www.jubilee-centre.org and www.relationshipsfoundation.org

Unconditional Parenting 3. Too Much Control

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

3. Too Much Control

"The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn't permissiveness, but the fear of permissiveness." Parents fuss and nag and yell and reprimand in an effort to restrict children unnecessarily out of a fear of being too permissive. That fear drives us to overcompensate by controlling too much. But our demands show a lack of respect for the child, as if parents don't think kids deserve as much respect as adults do. How would we treat an adult friend if they forgot something, or didn't whisper in the library, or accidentally dropped and broke something? If something is innocuous when our friend does it, then why is it punishable when our child does it?

In some studies, it was children who had less controlling parents (those whose parents talked with them, tried to accommodate them, and considered their side) who were more likely to do as they were told. Yet when controlling methods don't work and the child rebels, more control is instituted. Overly controlled children will either lose their self-reliance and allow themselves be bullied into submission, or they'll be behaved in public but sneaky, or they will be angry and defiant.

When parents have too much control over food, limiting food to their mealtimes and using food as a reward, children lose the ability to regulate their own hunger cues. When parents don't give children chances to choose to do right for themselves, children may not develop a strong internal conscience. When parents direct their kids' play and activities too much, kids lose interest.

"...with teachers: Lean on them to 'raise standards' and they turn into drill sergeants. The ironic result is that their students end up acieving at lower levels than their counterparts in classrooms where there's less top-down emphasis on 'accountability.'" (How does this compare with John Thorley's talk on Relationship vs Examinable Results?)

Children do need structure, but not control. "As a rule, reasonable structures are imposed only when necessary, in a flexible manner, without undue restrictiveness, and, when possible, with the participation of the child." That's not the same as coercing your own will on a child. Parents need to be "in control" (providing a safe environment, guiding, setting limits) without being "controlling."

"The goal is empowerment rather than conformity, and the methods are respectful rather than coercive."

One More Conference Thought: Habit

This was typed at the bottom of a page of discussion questions for people to consider during scheduled group "processing" sessions. I think I've heard this from Karen Glass before, but this is the first time I've seen it in print. I'd love to hear any and all thoughts on this.

In a letter written towards the end of her life to Henrietta Franklin in the fall of 1922, Charlotte Mason said:

"What a time you had among the Alpine flowers! I know something of the joy of it, for many years ago before you were born or thought of, I spent some early spring weeks at the Kaltbad (Rigi) with some friends. After forty years I see and smell and luxuriate - but I did not see the Soldanella . . . Science has done nothing to confirm the "rut" theory in all these years, and Brother Body seems to me much the inferior partner. I think all that I have written is still true but I would emphasize habit and so on less. Child mind - no, because a child has as much mind as the rest of us."
(Typed by Elsie Kitching)

In the above letter, written towards the end of Mason's life, she de-emphasizes habit and emphasizes the child mind. Share your thoughts about how habit formation fits within a rational paradigm.

Unconditional Parenting: 2. Giving and Withholding Love

Unconditional Parenting:
Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

2. Giving and Withholding Love

Parenting can be either harsh (yelling, threatening, hitting) or not - but even when it's not, less harsh methods are often used to gain power over a child, usually by withdrawing love or using postive reinforcement (reward/praise).

Withdrawing love might mean acting cold and withdrawn when a parent is displeased with a child. They may make a point of ignoring the child, relaying the message that attention is earned with obedience. The parent might verbalize, 'I don't love you, or want to be around you when you act like that.' Or they might put physical space between them by either walking away while the child begs them to come back, or by banishing the child to forced isolation (known as 'time-out'). This can be perceived as abandonment by the child, especially if they're too young to grasp the temporary nature of the separation.

When children are sent away to time-out/solitary confinement against their will, it's love withdrawal. But giving the child the option of cooling off in an inviting place, like his room, to spend time alone when the time limit is under his control, can be helpful. Kohn says that the term and concept of 'time-out' came from BF Skinner's lab experiments to control animal behavior (I've always thought it came from sports, where a player is benched for time-out to regroup or rest; I'm not sure I believe it came from Skinner.)

The problem with negative reinforcement is that it forces the child to think about how their actions affect themselves--'How can I avoid being punished?' But it's more important (and trickier) to get children to consider how their actions affect others. In fact, time-out might be more harmful than spanking because it lasts longer. When love withdrawal is used as a continual way to control children, those children may become anxious, afraid to express anger, and fear failure. They may fear attachment and be distant as adults, perhaps because they don't want to be abandoned again.

Children who are sent to time-out to think over their wrong-doings and repent are more likely to seethe and harbor resentful thoughts as they stew in time-out - which is hardly what most parents want to foster.

Rewards are also destructive. Rewards might gain immediate compliance, but will never motivate the child to make the action a permanent part of himself. Children who are rewarded for being nice think of themselves, not as nice people, but as people who only act nice for a price. Reading a book has its own reward; reading a book to get pizza can spoil the whole thing. "The more people are rewarded for doing something, the more likely they are to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward."

Verbal praise acts on motivation just like a reward. It makes a person less interested in the task itself. Do we want children to share in order to hear Mommy say, "good job sharing!" or to make their friend feel better, even if Mommy doesn't notice? Why/when do we praise our kids? When they make our lives more convenient, or when they show a really impressive trait? "Children's sense of their competence, and perhaps of their worth, may come to rise or fall as a result of our reaction." They look to us to see if we approve, like a toddler who falls and looks to his mother to see if he's hurt.

Everyone needs praise, but it's exploitive to use praise as a means of control. And the more we praise, the more we make a child crave praise, and the more we undermine their perception of their abilities.

Kohn goes into the concept of self-esteem - he disagrees with both groups, those who think high self-esteem is good, and those who think that focusing on "feel-good" self-esteem makes people unmotivated. He says that the key is how variable a person's self-esteem is - does a person feel worthwhile depending on how successful they are or what people think of them? People whose self-esteem fluctuates may feel worthless when their lives aren't going well, or defensive and aggressively protective of their esteem. They may have a competitive need to win. They may go to unhealthy lengths to look good, or succeed - because their self-worth as a person depends on it.

People who feel loved unconditionally spend less time thinking about their self-esteem, less time evaluating how good they are, and less time deliberately trying to feel good about themselves.

Unconditional Parenting 1. Conditional Parenting

I want to think more about CM and parenting techniques, and my first step is reading this book more thoroughly. I wish I had Jack Beckman's charts and outlines, as they did a great job of summarizing the book, but I don't have them. I've actually read the first six chapters (half the book) but I wanted to go back and read it a second time.

Unconditional Parenting:
Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

1. Conditional Parenting

All parents love their children, but not all children feel loved. Children need unconditional love that they don't have to earn or measure up to in order to thrive. If our preschooler is naughty and difficult all day, do we still snuggle and read stories with her that night, or do we refuse to reward her bad behavior by depriving her of that fun as a consequence? Unconditional parenting means that we deal with the behavior by talking about it and teaching, but then we snuggle and read our bedtime stories as usual. "Whatever lesson we hoped to impart was far more likely to be learned if she knew that our love for her was undimmed by how she had acted."

Conditional parenting is closely related to behaviorism (B.F. Skinner: if good behaviors are reinforced/rewarded, then they'll be repeated; if bad behavior is associated with negative results, it will cease. We can't do anything about a person's motives, we can only deal with their actions.)

Behaviorism is forcing a child to apologize, even if they don't feel sorry. It's making a child cry it out at night with no regard for why he's crying. It's ignoring a toddler's desire not to go potty and bribing him with M&M's or stickers. Behaviorism is "concerned not with the thoughts and feelings and intentions that give rise to a behavior, only with the behavior itself." Behaviorism assumes that if the little girl who was naughty in the previous paragraph gets her snuggle and story, she'll be encouraged to be naughty again because her bad behavior was reinforced.

"Unconditional parenting assumes that behaviors are just the outward expression of feelings and thoughts, needs and intentions. In a nutshell, it's the child who engages in a behavior, not just the behavior itself. Children are not pets to be trained, nor are they computers, programmed to respond predictably to an input." We need to find out why, not just stamp out the way the child is expressing his feelings.

Unconditional love doesn't reinforce bad behavior. Those who fear that it does are cynical and think the worst of human nature. A misbehaving child probably isn't being malicious or deliberately trying to make us miserable. She may be expressing her own misery in the only way she knows how. She needs to learn better ways of expressing herself, but she'll be more teachable in an atmosphere of love and acceptance. Love and acceptance should be a child's birthright, a gift, not a privilege to be earned.

Conditional parenting focuses on behavior, has a negative view of human nature, views parental love as something to be earned, and does things to the child - reward/punishment - as its strategy.

Unconditional parenting focuses on the whole child, including his thoughts, reasons, feelings (this sounds CM). It has a balanced or positive view of human nature, considers parental love a gift, and uses problem solving to work with the child as its strategy.

All parents love their children and want the best for them, but when children perceive that they have to earn their parents' love by doing well, they may have trouble accepting themselves, may create a false self as a result of trying to please, and may resent their parents as they get older. Children who felt unconditionally loved had a better relationship with their parents into adulthood and a more balanced view of themselves.

CM Conference Notes: Piquing Interest in the Arts

Lori Lawing gave this talk, and this is another one that I listened to without taking notes. There are some notes in the handout, though, and there was something that struck me that I wanted to remember. Since I can't say it any better than she did in her hand-out, I'll use her quotes.

Lori used the modern paraphrase of CM's Series, which was a first - it's the first time I've ever heard it quoted out loud, and I kept expecting to hear something off in the translation, or a typo said out loud. But it sounded fine (although I think I found a place where I need to add a comma . . .)

Lori said that CM wanted us to pique children's interest in the aesthetics of art, music and poetry. Those things move us "because they present truth and goodness in a context of universal beauty." Art isn't always beautiful, and it sometimes displays the effects of sin. But great art "can be beautiful even when it presents some aspect of the fall. As Christians, we see glimpses of paradise even in our fallen world. We have hope that our Redeemer is returning to restore all of creation back to the paradise that was lost . . . God's Word has a story to tell, a story of Redemption through the blood of His Son. That is the grand story of redemption. In a smaller yet still significant way, the aesthetics can portray stories of the hope of redemption in this fallen world."

Sometimes the question comes up, "What makes great art great? And who decides?" I think that the answer has something to do with what Lori is saying about the redemption story, although I haven't got it quite clear in my mind.

Then Lori showed us an example of art (Domenico Ghirlandaio's Old Man and His Grandson), music (Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition; she showed the corresponding pictures as the music was playing) and poetry (Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Lessons from the Gorse) to illustrate how the beauty of redemption comes through in the aesthetics. See if you can see redemption illustrated in the examples.

Lessons from the Gorse

Mountain gorses, ever-golden,
Cankered not the whole year long!
Do ye teach us to be strong,
Howsoever pricked and holden,
Like your thorny blooms, and so
Trodden on by rain and snow,
Up the hill-side of this life, as bleak as where ye grow?

Mountain blossoms, shining blossoms,
Do ye teach us to be glad
When no summer can be had,
Blooming in our inward bosoms?
Ye whom God preserveth still,
Set as lights upon a hill,
Tokens to the wintry earth that Beauty liveth still!

Mountain gorses, do ye teach us
From that academic chair
Canopied with azure air,
That the wisest word man reaches
Is the humblest he can speak?
Ye, who live on mountain peak,
Yet live low along the ground, beside the grasses meek!

Mountain gorses, since Linnaeus
Knelt beside you on the sod,
For your beauty thanking God, -
For your teaching, ye should see us
Bowing in prostration new!
Whence arisen, - if one or two
Drops be on our cheeks - O world, they are not tears but dew.

E. B. Browning


(This is the last of my notes, although Tim has one to post; a complete list of conference posts is here.)

CM Conference Notes: Science of Relations vs. Examinable Content

John Thorley's first session was a talk about Charlotte Mason's early years as a teacher, with a few people reading letters from the time period from and to CM (Deani Van Pelt read the letters that CM wrote.) That was fascinating, but I listened to that session without taking notes. So, if that sounds interesting, you should watch the childlightusa.org website, as they will probably be making CD's or audio available.

These notes are from his second session. John Thorley lives in England and has was the Principal of the Charlotte Mason College at Ambleside. When I met him three years ago, he was working part-time at the Armitt Museum, which houses CM's library of letters and books.

Two movies, the Dead Poets Society, and History Boys, illustrate the debate in education, pitting a charismatic teacher against the educational establishment. The public is aware of this debate, and when it comes to movies, they sympathize with the teacher (but when it comes down to it, most parents are only concerned with test scores). In England, the public is rebelling against the testing system (England has mandated tests at age 7, 11 and 14). The debate is against policies that include testing, and the thinking behind that approach to education. CM is child-focused, but this kind of system is about government control. Can there be a symbiosis where both exist together?

Education is the Science of Relations. A child has natural relationships with a number of things, so we give him lots of things to help him make valid as many of his potential interests as possible by exposing them to him. Knowledge isn't data, knowledge is our relationship with the world. All that there is, all that there was, all that will ever be - that's what should be included in our curriculum. That's a concept that's dynamic, not static. Children aren't vessels to be filled, but beings who will develop relationships with the world. Every child is entitled to a full curriculum. Math shouldn't be the focus of a curriculum, science shouldn't be the focus; the child should be the focus of the curriculum. Children need to be actively involved in making knowledge 'their own.' (Children can't learn passively; that's why lectures and TV don't teach well. The child's mind needs to be engaged and participating. That's why narration is part of the CM method.)

1967 - the Plowden Report on primary schools said that education was good, especially in the early years. It said that the style of educational system was working very well, and was providing a full, comprehensive education. By the 1970's, reaction against child-centered education resulted in Black Paper studies, which reported that standards were slipping and recommended a focus on the 3R's. In our era of discoveries, they said, science and technology need more focus and kids need to be better at math. Thus, school was extended from age 14 to 16 to teach more science and math. This movement has progressed as society gets more technical. Trends in government policy that started innocently enough took on a life of their own and snowballed, becoming interlinked as one policy led to another. But all of them are based on questionable theories.

1987 - there were nine subjects in England's national curriculum, and specified methods saying how they were to be taught. In this new policy, curriculum would be reviewed and updated regularly. With the advent of a national curriculum, there was no more educational freedom. As a new policy, parents were given the option of choice to decide where their children attended school. (The truth is, parents had always been able to choose before.) This sounds good in theory, because nobody will choose to go to a bad school, so bad schools will close while good schools flourish. But in practice, people who live in small, rural towns have only one school to choose from unless they want to move or commute long distances to have city school options. And how can a parent know which school is better? So - new policy - it was decided that schools needed to have a Standard Attainment Test (SAT) so that parents could make choices based on objective test scores. League tables published scores and rated schools based on those scores. A new policy determined that math, science and English comprehension would be tested. These six-hour tests would need to be easy to grade, so they needed to be objective: fill-in-the-blank. SAT's required that certain skills (the testable ones) should be taught since skills, not knowledge, would be tested. Geography, history, culture are neglected.

This new system had undesirable results. Narrow tests mean that school teach narrow "skills" and leave no time for anything besides English, math and science. Now the government wants all schools to adopt a "synthetic phonics" program which improves individual word recognition without helping comprehension or writing. They don't understand that phonics isn't a magic pill to teach reading.

Does all of this help parents to make a school choice? Schools that have special needs children might be great schools, but they will test badly because the special needs students will bring the score average down. Small schools suffer when results are averaged out, because one child's low score carries more weight. Parents can't even make sense of the SAT results. So why is it still used? And what would happen if a small school tested well and then suddenly had a bunch of new students enrolling? What if small village schools decline and die? Where will village children go to get educated?

The fact is, even with new, scientific improvements, test results for reading are the same as they were in 1957. But today's children are stressed and labelled based on their test scores at age 7. The system of testing is expensive - 50,000 pounds per school per year. An entire industry (the test writers) lobby for more tests. But children don't benefit from these tests or from more government control.

Scotland doesn't do SAT's, and their students do better on tests than British children. Wales rebelled against the testing system and doesn't do them.

But schools do need to be accountable. If SAT's aren't the way to be sure that students are learning, then how do we show that schools are doing their job? Can Charlotte Mason's vision be combined with public accountability?

Maybe existing policies could be used, but according to methods that teachers approved of.

Governments have a right to know that a broad curriculum is being offered, and that the quality of teaching is good. Perhaps a national curriculum could have guidelines that are reviewed, with teachers involved in the reviewing process. Teaching inspectors need to be experienced teachers themselves who are specially trained to recognize good teaching even when it differs from their own style. They should be allowed to offer advice to help teachers teach better. Test results shouldn't be publicly published; schools should be the ones to publicize their scores along with explanations about any extenuating circumstances that might have affected their results. Tests should be brand new every year. Schools should have a broad curriculum, and then test themselves against national standards. Then schools would be able to experiment with different teaching methods and find something that works.

(complete list of conference posts here.)

CM Conference Notes: Behaviorism vs Relational Parenting

Jack Beckman led this book study, based on Unconditional Parenting: Moving From Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn. Now that I've realized that the theme of the conference was "Moving from Rewards to Relationships," I understand how this book fits in with the conference, but I want to finish the book (I only got through chapter five; time ran out) and look up some Charlotte Mason quotes to see if I can draw any conclusions, as this might mean that CM has more to say about parenting methods than I thought - I assumed that she didn't really say much about discipline beyond habit-training and establishing parental authority, but I want to think about that before I post anything.

Not much of a post, I know. I was going to post my notes from Jason Fletcher's talk about Relational Religion, but Tim's notes are thorough enough that I asked him to post his instead.

(complete list of conference posts here.)

CM Conference Notes: Learning to Fledge

Learning to Fledge: Masterly Inactivity in the High School Years by Beth Pinckney

This was timely because this is my week to submit a post to the ChildlightUSA blog, and my post dealt with the same age group.

Beth made a point to say that this would not be a talk about SAT's, AP classes or getting into college. She began by introducing her family, saying a little something about each member while showing a picture (a nice touch, I thought).

Homeschool with high schoolers can be exciting and fun. It can also be hard, but an understanding of masterly inactivity can help.

What does it mean to fledge? Baby birds leave the nest before their wings are fully developed, but the parent bird knows that it's time to coax the little ones out of the nest. High school is like that; it's "pseudo-adulthood." High schoolers aren't really adults yet, and they've never been out of the nest by themselves before. They're vulnerable and need to learn survival techniques. The fledgling birds, although they're out of the nest, stay hidden in a bush. The parent bird feeds them and watches over them for a month before finally letting them go off on their own. Kids need to discover their passions and interests, and exercise their own self-discipline. At this age, parents need to let go more, and shelter less. High schoolers need to test their wings by flying, and we should be thrilled and awed to see where they go.

Masterly Inactivity is not an indolent , 'why bother' attitude of laissez aller (lay-zay ALL-lay; I always wondered how to pronounce this).

From the CMSeries (I'm using the modern paraphrase, but Beth quoted from the original.)

Volume 3, pg 27: "There are so many things that we should do for our children, and so much that's possible to provide for them, that we can start to think that everything rests with us. We begin to feel like we can't let up even for a minute in our conscious thinking about our efforts in training up our children's young minds and hearts. As a result, our efforts become over-controlling and micro-managed. We're with our children every minute of the day, always on their backs. Even when we can't get them to comply, we try to dominate them too much. We don't realize that wise deliberate letting alone is the best part of education."

Volume 3 pg 17: "Authority isn't harsh or indulgent. She is gentle, and easy to reason with about nonessential matters--because she's uncompromising when it comes to matters of real importance."

Volume 3 pg 17: "It's best for the parent or teacher to be in the habit of quickly reviewing the situation without being obvious. Then, if the children are right, it will be possible for the adult to gather his wits in time to yield the point graciously, and send the children away warmed with love and loyalty."

Volume 3 pg 29: "But a parent who's picky, anxious, constantly explaining, demanding, making excuses, over-restraining, too interfering, or who is simply with the children too much, destroys the dignity and simplicity of the parent/child relationship. Like all of the best and most delicate things in life, that relationship suffers if it has to be asserted or defended."

Masterly inactivity is a "wise passiveness" that "suggests the ability and authority to take action, a concern for the outcome, with the insight and restraint that keeps a person from interfering." (volume 3, pg 29, modern paraphrase) It includes the following elements:

Authority - 'masterly' implies that the parent is the master and is still in authority. Kids should still be obedient to their delegated authority. Children should be aware of our parental authority whether it's inactive or active. This element of strength is the backbone of our authority. The key is for those in authority to remember who gave them their authority. We are God's agent. That should make us careful of how we wield the rod. Choose your battles carefully, especially in high school--what's really important, non-negotiable, and an issue of morality? At this age, parental authority becomes less control and more guidance. The 'masterly' part decreases, but is never abdicated. This is the time when children "own" their faith, and recognize that their real authority is God Himself. School/curriculum needs to remain a non-negotiable issue; this isn't the time to abandon lessons and allow unschooling. Accept that there will be times you're wrong, and remember to silently review each situation before blurting a 'yes' or 'no' that you might have to take back later.

Good-nature and a sense of humour - be open and friendly, but don't confuse that with giving in out ofweakness or fear. The difference between the two is often only in the tone of voice and facial expression.

Self-confidence - The more we fuss or worry, the more we muddy our authority. Like an over-worked watercolor painting, going over and over the same area defensively never helps. Psalm 139 reminds us that God has searched and known us and our children. We don't have to know everything and have all the answers. God is over all, and we can be confident instead of second-guessing and doubting ourselves. Humility isn't thinking small things about ourselves. It's thinking so much of others that we have no room to think of ourselves at all.

Confidence in our children - Hold the bar high, as if it's a lovely blue teapot entrusted to a young dorm leader. There's a story about a young wife who received a beautiful blue teapot. She fell to her knees and said to her young husband, 'O, Algernon, will we ever live up to it?' Give kids trust, give them something to live up to.

Leisure - The parent needs to take/make time to have a life outside of homeschool and parenting. Slow down and enjoy life so that you don't miss the best things in life.

Serenity - develop serenity and the habit of calmness. CM took daily walks, had tea, and read Sir Walter Scott to calm her soul. Nurture your life as a person; don't let your whole life revolve around your high schooler and don't let your child perceive himself as the center of your universe. If you have no life, you won't be interesting to your child. Volume 5 pg 197: "Once a boy begins to look down on the intellectual status of his parents, the entire honour and deference he owes them are at an end. Any pains taken to keep ahead should be repaid by the glow of honest pride the young people feel at every proof of intellectual power in their parents." Keep up your own intellectual life so that your young scholars will respect you.

Faith - our children's future isn't totally up to us and in our hands. God created them as individuals with their own designed calling and purpose. Don't hinder what God wants to do in their lives. If we pressure, talk, explain why our kids should do or feel a specific thing, then we might make it difficult for God to work on their hearts.

Areas to apply masterly inactivity:
Play (teens can get stressed and need to unwind with unstructured free time)
Work (including schoolwork; give scope for personal initiative. Your job is to help them locate resources. Let their interests determine curriculum)
Standing or Falling by their own efforts - no prodding
Friendships (let them choose their own friends in order to learn to judge character)
Money (training and budget instruction should come early in life; high school is the time to let them practice handling their own money.)
Opinions (let kids decide for themselves what to think and believe.)

A coil in a watch unwinds gradually to allow the watch to work. We can parent as if we're gently winding a watch to set it into motion, or as if we're using a lever to throw a boulder out into space. We don't want to thrust our plans and opinions on our children; instead, we want to wind them with gentle prods and let them go by themselves.

Beth recommended a vintage Parents' Review article (from 1891/92) called Disappointed Mothers, which is online here.

(complete list of conference posts here.)

CM Conference Notes: Moving From Behaviorism to Relationships

Moving From Behaviorism to Relationships (Tammy Glaser)

I didn't take notes on this session, I decided to just listen and be inspired. Tammy has a daughter with autism, and the gist of the lecture was that, although many people working with autistic kids recommend behaviorism (reward the child with an M&M when he makes eye contact), Tammy had better, faster results when she used a relational approach. She showed a film clip of her daughter before and after a week of relational techniques, and you could see the difference.

But what struck me was when Tammy talked about how God created people with a pre-designed and perfect timetable of development. If a little boy hasn't caught on to reading, he gets labeled as a slow learner, or as a challenged or disabled child in need of remedial training. But the labeling and the problem are fabrications of the school, not a defect in the child. The child is developing along the perfect timetable that God designed for him. If lots of children aren't reading at age six, or writing compositions at age eight, or doing fractions at age nine - it isn't the children with the problem, it's a problem with our timetable.

This isn't the first time I've heard this - in fact, I had heard it just the day before at the Four Pillars lecture. But for some reason, it suddenly clicked and made sense. And it's made me a lot less stressed about my Year 5 son who still struggles with math.

Tammy has a blog where she discusses homeschooling and autism; it's here.

(complete list of conference posts here.)

CM Conference Notes: 4 Pillars of CM and The Child is a Person

The theme of this conference was relationships, although it took me awhile to figure that out. Yes, it was in the notebook, but it didn't really 'click' until well into the second day of the conference (because I'm dense). Looking at it from that perspective, these notes made a lot more sense than they did when I took them. :/

The Four Pillars of a CM Education and "The Child is a Person"

This was a tag-team session by Billy and Carrie Creech and Betsy Kester, who teach at a CM school (Redeemer School).

A teacher's perspective of the nature of children - does she see them as her equals, or as her inferiors? - will influence the way she treats them. It can even influence the eye contact that she communicates. A good teacher can afford to be real and transparent with her students, and doesn't fear that she'll be knocked off a pedestal. Teachers shouldn't compare students, but the pressure to compare infiltrates even CM schools.

All education is built on the philosophies revolving around how the teacher views the child/student. Education is more than the external part that we see (such as test scores, curriculum, school distinctions). It's about what holds the school together, and about how we answer the question, 'Why do we educate at all?'

The foundation of a school is its theology, and might be found in its doctrinal statement.

The ground floor if the school's philosophy, which is built upon its theology.

The ceiling is the school's mission and vision. What does the school hope to accomplish in the children it educates? What does the school hope to see in the fabric of the child's being as a result of its philosophy?

The roof is the external stuff like curriculum, schedules, and methods that distinguish the school. Those things are selected according to the school's theology/philosophy/vision.

The pillars in a CM education (that hold up the roof?) are atmosphere, discipline, life, and relationships. With these pillars, the school's school's philosophy 'puts on flesh and blood.' Behaviorism has no place in a CM school. Everything about a CM school should respect the personhood of the child, since that's so foundational to CM. Here are the four pillars explained:

Atmosphere: children are learning wherever they are. They don't suddenly start learning because we create an artificial idealized environment for them.

Discipline: the rails of good habits.

Life: ideas that nurture the life and growth of the mind - this would be the school's living curriculum.

Science of relations: we enable this by training the child to do things, and exposing him to books so that he'll have relationships with all kinds of things and people.

All good teachers understand that the child is a person - even if they've never heard of CM.

People are created in God's image. People are social beings, so they need to discuss what they learn. People are creative, purposeful, rational.

In the Wind in the Willows, Mole represents a "learner" and Rat represents the "teacher." Mole is busy in his narrow life tending to the details of his mundane existence until he ventures out after catching a glimpse of something wider. He doesn't know how to interpret everything he sees, and he needed a friend (Rat) to take him on adventures. All learners are people who are created by God in His image. Children are not empty vessels that teachers need to fill. They never were. They are learners, and they need to learn to exercise dominion over their time, their sin nature, etc.

We need to look beyond a school's externals and ask what the motivation behind it is. CM's Volume 6 pg 65, 66 (this is the modern paraphrase) "We also need to be familiar with the raw material we have to work with if our education is going to be effective. So we need to know about children, and what they need--but not their needs based on how we can make them useful cogs in society's wheel, or based on the standards of the current culture. We need to know their requirements based on their personal potential and unique needs." Teachers should keep Psalm 139 in mind when dealing with their students.

Dr. Mel Levine wrote the book "A Mind at a Time" that says that individuals have different kinds of minds for different purposes and callings. All children won't fit the mold because they aren't supposed to - they're unique. God created them that way. It's tragic when we abuse a child by forcing him to fit a mold he was never created to fit. Adults allow themselves to focus on what they're good at and avoid what they can't do - so why do teachers treat children as if they need to be good at everything in order to be well-rounded? Kids get teased and bullied when they don't excel at sports, and they're made to feel like failures when they can't grasp a subject.

The point was made to help teachers understand the God-given uniqueness of their students (their personhood), but it seemed to me to make a better case for radical unschooling than CM. And yet - when this concept was repeated the next day by someone else in another session, a light bulb went off and I had an 'aha' moment - but I'll explain that when I post those notes.

Volume 6, pg 36 (using the modern paraphrase again) says, "a child's mind is like the instrument that education plays upon; his education doesn't produce a mind in him. His mind was already there and active before he ever entered the classroom."

(complete list of conference posts here.)

CM Conference: CM's Great Recognition

This was the first plenary session I attended; we got in too late for the very first one.

CM's Great Recognition by Deani Van Pelt and Sandy Rusby Bell

Trinitarians drew us to the idea that the Spirit – in fact, all of the Trinity – was present at Creation, and potential that continues to unfold was imbedded right into Creation and the created world. The creational, unfolding aspect of the Spirit is exciting for educators (because of its implications in the unfolding revealing of knowledge, I think). Bacote wrote a book based on a dissertation in 2005 that goes into this. Gunton said, “God's action begins with the Father and goes through the Son...”

This lecture dealt with the fresco that CM got so excited about: The Triumph of St. Thomas Aquinas and the Allegory of the Sciences. The original site is no longer online; it looks like maybe it moved here. You can see the church here and a small image of the fresco here, detail here.
(Read The Common Room's blog post about this fresco here, and Tammy's post from Aut2BeHome here.)

The lecture began with a timeline of CM's life:
1885-86 CM gave the lectures that became Volume 1 of her series
1888-89 PNEU was born
1891-92 Parents Review School and PR magazine started; CM moved to Ambleside
1891 CM's school for mothers
1892 House of Education born to instruct teachers
Then CM, needing a rest, accompanied Mrs. Firth on a trip to Italy and saw the fresco.
1893 CM experienced a light bulb moment: the Great Recognition that the Spirit is in all.

During the lecture, the fresco was described, displayed, and explained. At the top is Thomas Aquinas holding the Book of Wisdom open to the page that says, “I willed...” Or maybe "Wisdom conquers all"? I think I must have misheard this part of the lecture... This is the heart of the fresco. He is surrounded by angels named Faith, Charity, Hope, Temperance, Prudence, Justice and Fortitude. They represent the seven cardinal virtues. At his left and right are the apostles.

[Edit: I found, in this Parents' Review article, what CM saw on the page. At the bottom of the article is this note from the editor, who was Charlotte Mason: "The text referred to
is:--'I prayed and the spirit of wisdom came upon me; and I preferred her before kingdoms and thrones.' The fresco referred to (painted by Taddeo Gaddi and Simone Memmi) forms the "educational creed" of the House of Education. It represents the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, on the Day of Pentecost, not only upon prophets, apostles and holy men and women, but upon the Captain Figures of the Seven Liberal Arts:--Grammar, Rhetoric, Logic, Music, Astronomy, Geometry, Arithmetic, Photographs (Nos 6722 and 4077, half-line each) may be obtained from Mr. G. Cole, 17, Via Torna Buoni, Florence.--Ed."
This PR article was a religious address delivered at one of CM's own conferences - I wonder if her conferences were like the Childlight conferences? They seem to be, judging from the speakers and topics, and then the write-ups afterwards.]

Beneath Thomas are three rows. The first is barely visible and includes a person in distress, someone counting money, a young man drinking, and others. Under them are seven mythological figures depicting divine sciences (like theology and Christian law) with seven men under them who represent those subjects (St. John, Pope Clement, etc.) On the other side are seven mythological figures, all women, like Greek goddesses, depicting the seven earthly sciences: arithmetic, geometry, astronomy, music, logic, rhetoric anf grammar. They have seven men under them who represent the 'fathers' of those sciences: Pythagoras, Euclid, Zoroaster, Tubal Cain, Aristotle, icero and Priscian.

The heart of CM's Great Recognition is in Volume 2, ch 25 “...the great recognition, that God the Holy Spirit is Himself, personally, the Imparter of knowledge, the Instructor of youth, the Inspirer of genius, is a conception so far lost to us that we should think it distinctly irreverent to conceive of the divine teaching as co-operating with ours in a child's arithmetic lesson, for example.” Suppose we are willing to make this great recognition. How would that impact our education? "What stands between us and the realisation of this more blessed life?" Vol 2 ch 25 pg 276

1. We would only offer children living thought. If what they're given is living thought, then they'll be able to hang later facts on those ideas as if they were pegs. This is opposite current educational thought and Classical Education that has it backwards: give children dry facts to use as pegs upon which to hang ideas they'll receive later. Even math and grammar can be taught from living ideas. Living ideas and books get kids excited about a topic before they're bored by dry facts.

2. If all subjects are given and under the Divine Teacher, then we won't dare pick and choose subjects and neglect some in favor of others. "But once the intimate relation, the relation of Teacher and taught in all things of the mind and spirit, be fully recognised, our feet are set in a large room; there is space for free development in all directions, and this free and joyous development, whether of intellect or heart, is recognised as a Godward movement." Vol 2, ch 25, pg 275

"That, it is not for a man to choose, "I will learn this or that, the rest is not my concern"; still less is it for parent or schoolmaster to limit a child to less than he can get at of the whole field of knowledge; for, in the domain of mind at least as much as in that of morals or religion, man is under a Divine Master; he has to know as he has to eat." Volume 6, page 324

3. We can trust the Holy Spirit to mediate and help so that the child gets what he needs to know from a narration. We can allow 'wait time' while a child mulls over a thought before we jump in to give him the answer. And we don't need to fret if our child isn't where we think he should be in math or whatever.

4. We're safeguarded from the intellectual sin of using pure Reason to arrive at conclusions – this is where CM's Principle 16 comes from. Reason is only a tool, not a foolproof infallible way to form conclusions. Unlike some early scholars, CM believed that Reason and Intellect were corrupted along with our moral nature and everything else at the Fall. The early church believed that Reason was infallible and pure. Galileo challenged that concept when he challenged Aristotle's ideas. A liberal education and living books can help us from the fallacy of infallible Reason – IF we invite the Holy Spirit to participate in our education.

5. The teacher herself should also be intellectually alive and growing and evolving. Teachers should be continuing to learn and excited about new ideas, books, nature, culture. Her enthusiasm will be caught even if she doesn't convey all the information/data.

Here we have the breadth of mind so wide in the sweep of their intelligence. "The elements of a Charlotte Mason education – picture study, composer study, poetry, living books, etc. – are necessary not because we think it is nice to do things the way Charlotte Mason did. They are necessary because all believers need these to grow into the fullness of Christ." from Le Jardin Feenrique, Art in Kenosha's blog

(complete list of conference posts here.)

Starting J's Year 9 Booklist

I worked out J's booklist to schedule only two books per day, and leave Fridays open for co-op. This is part of our new commitment to focus on relationships this coming year and pay more attention to narration. These are the books he'll be doing this coming school year:

The Age of Revolution by Winston Churchill (history spine)
The Royal Road to Romance by Richard Halliburton (geography/travel)
George Washington, from Four Great Americans by James Baldwin
Napoleon by H.E. Marshall
Miracle at Philadelphia by Catherine Drinker Bowen
Are You Liberal, Conservative, or Confused? by Richard Maybury
Common Sense by Thomas Paine
Essays by Jane Haldimand Marcet (five shorts about economics)
Love is a Fallacy - an essay by Max Schulman
The History of English Literature for Girls and Boys by H.E. Marshall ch 63-73
Grammar for Dummies by Geraldine Woods
The Count of Monte Cristo by Victor Dumas
War of the Worldviews by Gary DeMar
Postmodern Times by Gene Edward Veith
Microbe Hunters by Paul de Kruif (2 chapters)
Saints and Heroes, Vol 2 by George Hodges (2 chapters)
The Story of Painting by H. W. Janson - two sections
The God Who is There by Francis Schaeffer
The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence
John Adams and the American Revolution by Catherine Drinker Bowen

---------------------------

His schedule will look like this:

Sunday devotional/free reading:
The God Who is There by Francis Schaeffer or Practicing the Presence of God

Monday:
The Age of Revolution by Churchill (part one)
Grammar or The History of English Literature

Tuesday:
The Age of Revolution by Churchill (part two)
War of Worldviews or Postmodern Times or Microbe Hunters or Saints and Heroes or The Story of Painting

Wednesday:
The Royal Road to Romance by Richard Halliburton
Economics/Government reading (book or essay)

Thursday:
Washington or Napoleon Biography or Miracle at Philadelphia
The Count of Monte Cristo

Friday:
co-op

weekend free reading:
John Adams by Catherine D. Bowen

To this will be added daily math, copywork, typing, a couple of weekly written narrations, Russian, and subjects we do together (art, music, Plutarch, Shakespeare).

CM Conference

Tim and I went to the Childlight USA Charlotte Mason Conference in Boiling Springs, NC - we got back yesterday. As always, it was great meeting new faces from the list and seeing familiar friends from past conferences.

The theme was on the relational aspect of CM - not only "Education is the Science of Relations," but relationships in general: relational Christianity, relational parenting. Even in homeschooling, we can allow lessons to become the focus of our school and lose sight of the relationships we're building with our children - which is often a primary reason that most parents continue homeschooling, even if that wasn't their original reason.

For me personally, I now feel better about tweaking the AO Year 9 booklist for J. He'll be doing a weekly co-op this year because he's a social person and needs to be around friends, but it means he'll have a four-day work week. I planned to cut out some books to make that do-able for him (and to make less friction between us), but I had some guilt about the books he'd be missing. Now I feel okay about it. In fact, he'll probably get more out the books he does do because he can take his time with them. This year will a year of focusing on our family relationships, even if it means relaxing our academics.

I'll also be working on narrations this year - it dawned on me during a discussion at the conference that I've been letting my two younger sons do quick summaries instead of real narrations, and I feel like I need to go back to square one, re-read CM's sections on narrations, and start at the beginning with them again.

Dawn ;) (Excelsior Warriors) drove us there, and we stayed in a four-room dorm/apartment with her and her two daughters during the conference. They're the fun-nest family I think I've ever met. They stayed overnight at our house on their way back home; this is them just before leaving (posted with their permission). Miss M was sad that her new friend was leaving, so she's not in a very photographic mood.



One conference highlight was when Tim, Dawn's daughters, and another AO high schooler spent some time in the empty auditorium singing and sharing music they all knew (show tunes, Phantom of the Opera, Gilbert and Sullivan, movie songs). Tim had access to a piano, and the other AO high schooler had a violin, so they played for each other. They all like the same books, have done the same curriculum, and found that they had lots in common as a result. They hope to do more of that at future conferences, with more AO teens.

One area I see improving every year is the cooperation between homeschoolers and teachers at these conferences. Both groups have much to learn from each other, and share the same goal of using CM's methods to benefit the next generation.

I have notes from specific lectures/classes that I hope to post, and we haven't forgotten that we still have Tim's graduation to post about.

(complete list of conference posts here.)

Graduation

Tim's graduation was last night; we did a dinner party at home. We're on our way to the Charlotte Mason conference in NC right now, so we'll have to post more later.

for future reference...

...pomegranate juice and maple syrup do not go well together. At all.

Ignore the Hair

The lighting was right, so I snapped away. Miss M started posing as soon as she saw the camera, so there's a bit of ballet and a bit of silliness. The hair is a mess, but the likeness is good and, I have to admit, these capture her personality.