Unconditional Parenting: 9. Choices for Children

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

9. Choices for Children

Nobody likes to have everything about their life decided for them and dictated to them. Children should be allowed to choose how to live their lives as much as possible, and they should be allowed to help come up with solutions about issues that affect them. Explain and discuss, but let them have the final say whenever you can. It's not always possible, but inviting them to have a say and honestly considering their opinion tells them that you care. Unconditional parenting means working with the child, not forcing all your arbitrary decisions on them. It also doesn't mean leaving them to do whatever they want (that's neglect, not parenting). Unconditional parenting requires a high level of parental involvement.

Labelling punishments as a choice is unfair: "You chose a time-out by breaking the rule" So is calling it choice when there's only one real option: "Do you want to wash dishes now, or during your favorite TV show?"

Sometimes it isn't possible to give children a choice. When a decision has to be made for them and they resist, use the least intrusive method of getting them to comply. Be honest about the decision, and explain why they have to do it this way. Make it fun if you can. Let them see you accept unpleasant realities of life with grace. And let them make choices that affect their lives whenever it's feasible.