Unconditional Parenting: 8. Love Without Strings Attached

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

8. Love Without Strings Attached

This one is shorter because I found it less inspiring (it's old news to me) and I really want to get to chapter ten.



A How-to list that includes limiting the number, intensity, and scope of your criticisms and looking for alternatives to criticism. Our goal shouldn't be making a child feel rotten about himself (because now he's thinking about himself, rather than others who hisbehavior affects). Ideally, simply drawing a child's attention to the way his actions made someone else feel should be enough to make the point.

The most important part of this chapter explained why praising good behavior backfires. The gist is that, "When unconditional love and genuine enthusiasm are always present, 'Good job!' isn't necessary; when they're absent, 'Good job!' won't help.' Praising kids for good behaviors puts the focus on themselves and how to earn another praise, instead of where it should be--on the person at the receiving end of that action. A parent may acknowledge and notice a kind act, but not make a judgement call on it, or on the child. Say "You set the table! That makes it easier for me!" instead of, "you're a good helper!" Or ask what the child thinks of his painting when he shows it to you instead of making a judgement of whether it's 'good.'

Children need to draw satisfactions from their actions themselves and not look to others to approve or validate them for doing right.