Unconditional Parenting: 5. Pushed to Succeed

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

This chapter didn't grab my attention much because I don't know people who really pressure their children; this is something I hear caricatured more than I actually see it happen in real life. Jack Beckman said that Kohn tends to caricature parents to make his point, and I can see that. But I think most parenting writers do that.

5. Pushed to Succeed

Kids can feel stressed and depressed when their parents are more concerned about their future success than their well-being. It can drive kids to be competitive to win, rather than focusing on the more important purpose of doing well. They may assess their worth based on how they rate in class, or sports, or whatever. Sometimes those parents are after their own glory - the honor of being the parent of a success.

In school, rewarding children for good grades makes them less interesting in the learning itself. The focus on succeeding may make them choose the least challenging assignments. Not only is the grade their focus, but the fear of failure is too much of a risk to take on a challenge. They also tend to skim for answers instead of tackling tough questions and reflecting - so they don't learn to be deep thinkers. In school, just like in discipline, control tends to backfire. Worst of all is when parents offer acceptance and affection based on school grades.

In sports, parents sometimes pressure their kids to win, to be the best. Although parents may claim that they just want their kids to enjoy themselves, saying, 'we only want our son to do his best,' is a different message than telling him to have fun. It carries an implied pressure to win. Competitive sports can bring out the worst in parents.

Does competition motivate people to do their best? If children know they have our unconditional love and don't need to earn it, won't it make them lazy? Isn't it human nature to do as little as possible?

Children who know they're loved unconditionally will probably accept themselves and have positive self-regard without being arrogantly self-satisfied. Such a person isn't inclined to sit around and do nothing. They'll be more willing to take the risks of challenging projects because their self-worth isn't riding on the outcome.