CM Conference Notes: Learning to Fledge

Learning to Fledge: Masterly Inactivity in the High School Years by Beth Pinckney

This was timely because this is my week to submit a post to the ChildlightUSA blog, and my post dealt with the same age group.

Beth made a point to say that this would not be a talk about SAT's, AP classes or getting into college. She began by introducing her family, saying a little something about each member while showing a picture (a nice touch, I thought).

Homeschool with high schoolers can be exciting and fun. It can also be hard, but an understanding of masterly inactivity can help.

What does it mean to fledge? Baby birds leave the nest before their wings are fully developed, but the parent bird knows that it's time to coax the little ones out of the nest. High school is like that; it's "pseudo-adulthood." High schoolers aren't really adults yet, and they've never been out of the nest by themselves before. They're vulnerable and need to learn survival techniques. The fledgling birds, although they're out of the nest, stay hidden in a bush. The parent bird feeds them and watches over them for a month before finally letting them go off on their own. Kids need to discover their passions and interests, and exercise their own self-discipline. At this age, parents need to let go more, and shelter less. High schoolers need to test their wings by flying, and we should be thrilled and awed to see where they go.

Masterly Inactivity is not an indolent , 'why bother' attitude of laissez aller (lay-zay ALL-lay; I always wondered how to pronounce this).

From the CMSeries (I'm using the modern paraphrase, but Beth quoted from the original.)

Volume 3, pg 27: "There are so many things that we should do for our children, and so much that's possible to provide for them, that we can start to think that everything rests with us. We begin to feel like we can't let up even for a minute in our conscious thinking about our efforts in training up our children's young minds and hearts. As a result, our efforts become over-controlling and micro-managed. We're with our children every minute of the day, always on their backs. Even when we can't get them to comply, we try to dominate them too much. We don't realize that wise deliberate letting alone is the best part of education."

Volume 3 pg 17: "Authority isn't harsh or indulgent. She is gentle, and easy to reason with about nonessential matters--because she's uncompromising when it comes to matters of real importance."

Volume 3 pg 17: "It's best for the parent or teacher to be in the habit of quickly reviewing the situation without being obvious. Then, if the children are right, it will be possible for the adult to gather his wits in time to yield the point graciously, and send the children away warmed with love and loyalty."

Volume 3 pg 29: "But a parent who's picky, anxious, constantly explaining, demanding, making excuses, over-restraining, too interfering, or who is simply with the children too much, destroys the dignity and simplicity of the parent/child relationship. Like all of the best and most delicate things in life, that relationship suffers if it has to be asserted or defended."

Masterly inactivity is a "wise passiveness" that "suggests the ability and authority to take action, a concern for the outcome, with the insight and restraint that keeps a person from interfering." (volume 3, pg 29, modern paraphrase) It includes the following elements:

Authority - 'masterly' implies that the parent is the master and is still in authority. Kids should still be obedient to their delegated authority. Children should be aware of our parental authority whether it's inactive or active. This element of strength is the backbone of our authority. The key is for those in authority to remember who gave them their authority. We are God's agent. That should make us careful of how we wield the rod. Choose your battles carefully, especially in high school--what's really important, non-negotiable, and an issue of morality? At this age, parental authority becomes less control and more guidance. The 'masterly' part decreases, but is never abdicated. This is the time when children "own" their faith, and recognize that their real authority is God Himself. School/curriculum needs to remain a non-negotiable issue; this isn't the time to abandon lessons and allow unschooling. Accept that there will be times you're wrong, and remember to silently review each situation before blurting a 'yes' or 'no' that you might have to take back later.

Good-nature and a sense of humour - be open and friendly, but don't confuse that with giving in out ofweakness or fear. The difference between the two is often only in the tone of voice and facial expression.

Self-confidence - The more we fuss or worry, the more we muddy our authority. Like an over-worked watercolor painting, going over and over the same area defensively never helps. Psalm 139 reminds us that God has searched and known us and our children. We don't have to know everything and have all the answers. God is over all, and we can be confident instead of second-guessing and doubting ourselves. Humility isn't thinking small things about ourselves. It's thinking so much of others that we have no room to think of ourselves at all.

Confidence in our children - Hold the bar high, as if it's a lovely blue teapot entrusted to a young dorm leader. There's a story about a young wife who received a beautiful blue teapot. She fell to her knees and said to her young husband, 'O, Algernon, will we ever live up to it?' Give kids trust, give them something to live up to.

Leisure - The parent needs to take/make time to have a life outside of homeschool and parenting. Slow down and enjoy life so that you don't miss the best things in life.

Serenity - develop serenity and the habit of calmness. CM took daily walks, had tea, and read Sir Walter Scott to calm her soul. Nurture your life as a person; don't let your whole life revolve around your high schooler and don't let your child perceive himself as the center of your universe. If you have no life, you won't be interesting to your child. Volume 5 pg 197: "Once a boy begins to look down on the intellectual status of his parents, the entire honour and deference he owes them are at an end. Any pains taken to keep ahead should be repaid by the glow of honest pride the young people feel at every proof of intellectual power in their parents." Keep up your own intellectual life so that your young scholars will respect you.

Faith - our children's future isn't totally up to us and in our hands. God created them as individuals with their own designed calling and purpose. Don't hinder what God wants to do in their lives. If we pressure, talk, explain why our kids should do or feel a specific thing, then we might make it difficult for God to work on their hearts.

Areas to apply masterly inactivity:
Play (teens can get stressed and need to unwind with unstructured free time)
Work (including schoolwork; give scope for personal initiative. Your job is to help them locate resources. Let their interests determine curriculum)
Standing or Falling by their own efforts - no prodding
Friendships (let them choose their own friends in order to learn to judge character)
Money (training and budget instruction should come early in life; high school is the time to let them practice handling their own money.)
Opinions (let kids decide for themselves what to think and believe.)

A coil in a watch unwinds gradually to allow the watch to work. We can parent as if we're gently winding a watch to set it into motion, or as if we're using a lever to throw a boulder out into space. We don't want to thrust our plans and opinions on our children; instead, we want to wind them with gentle prods and let them go by themselves.

Beth recommended a vintage Parents' Review article (from 1891/92) called Disappointed Mothers, which is online here.

(complete list of conference posts here.)