Positive Discipline for Preschoolers
by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy
The book is geared for both parents and teachers, so each chapter gives examples at home and in the preschool to show how problems can be handled in both contexts. For the record, I support freedom of choice in parenting methods and I know families who have had success using methods different from mine, so I'm not especially dogmatic about this. All the parents I know of in real life naturally use many of these tactics already - understanding the child, trying to stay positive, gaining the child's cooperation, etc., even when they use corporal punishment on top of that. I would venture to guess that it's the other methods they're using that are working in spite of the corporal punishment. But it would just be a guess.
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The first chapter sets the stage for the rest of the book. Parents are urged to focus on the long range goals they have for their children rather than short term rewards of temporary outer behavior. In other words, rather than focusing on getting a desired behavior out of a child now, think about the qualities you want your child to have, such as self-discipline, compassion and problem-solving skills. If the tools in your parenting kit aren't working towards those goals, then get some new tools. Look at mistakes (both the child's bad choices and your own parenting blunders) as learning opportunities rather than failures. If your child knows you love them unconditionally, they can withstand a lot of mistakes (Love covers a multitude of sins?)
Chapter 2 tells us what preschoolers are like. They're not helpless babies anymore, and parents need to start learning to let go and encourage them to do things for themselves in order to instill self-sufficiency and confidence. Preschoolers are relating to the world with new friendships and relationships outside the family. They often need transitionary items for security in the big world - such as a toy or blanket, or a special lunchbox to ease the transition to preschool.
Chapter 3 talks about helping children learn to accept their own feelings (which can be new and overwhelming to them), but learning to express those feelings in acceptable ways. (This is pretty basic Mister Rogers stuff!) They can read our nonverbal cues, and they can tell if we're mad even if we insist that we aren't mad. But our refusal to admit the feelings they can see in our expression teaches them that it's not acceptable to put uncomfortable feelings into words, so we need to be honest with them. They need us to make eye contact with them when we communicate with them. This will often require that we get down on their level (or bring them up to our level.) Children need to learn to recognize their own body's signals that they're getting upset or mad, and learn self-coping strategies. Charlotte Mason gave an example of this in action in volume 5, chapter 1, where a little boy named Guy learns to recognize his cross feelings and run until they're gone.
Chapter 4 says that children need to be encouraged to take initiative by letting them participate in finding solutions and think through behavioral issues. Before going to the store, ask them how they should act, what's okay to do and what's not okay. Let them make decisions - but only give two or three choices so they aren't overwhelmed, and be sure that all options are valid. "Do you want to get ready now, or are we going to have to leave without you?" isn't a valid choice because it's illegal to drive off and leave a preschooler home alone. Instead of lecturing, let children figure out results by thinking it through or experiencing them for themselves. When there's a conflict, see if they have ideas about how to resolve it. This helps them to take responsibility for solving problems rather than waiting for an adult to play mediator.
Chapter 5 helps us understand preschoolers. Prechoolers enjoy the process and like to stop and smell the roses, so it can be difficult taking them shopping when you're in a hurry. Their idea of fantasy and reality is sometimes blurred, so movies can be intense for them. They may not differentiate between pretend and lying, or free samples and stealing.
Chapter 6 goes into brain development. Jane Healy's book Endangered Minds is used to show how nature and nurture work together, and to explain the most effective early education. Preschoolers need real two-way conversation, read aloud books, safe opportunity to explore their world, and limited TV/electronic games. Children also need a mom who isn't worn out and depressed, so it's good to do what will recharge you (Charlotte Mason might have called this Mother Culture!)
Chapter 7 is about understanding your particular child's temperament using the nine temperaments identified by Chess and Thomas. We can be more effective at helping our children reach their potential if we know their limits and work with their unique strengths and help them develop in areas where they have weaknesses.
Chapter 8 defines preschool social skills. Preschoolers like to have a favorite buddy, they may need help with sibling rivalry and learning not to turn people off if they want to be included in play groups. They may need to learn what behaviors are acceptable, how to handle quarrels, how to share.
Chapter 9 gives ways to avoid saying No all the time ("You can't do this, but you can do that" or, "Yes, you can have dessert after you finish your dinner" might be two examples), and helping preschoolers learn to say no gracefully ("No thank you" works better than throwing the bowl of peas across the room.)
Chapter 10 helps parents to identify their own and their child's lifestyle priorities: what's most important to them - comfort, control, pleasing others or significance? This information can explain clashes and lead to resolving things in acceptable ways so that nobody's needs are neglected.
Chapter 11 starts getting to the crux of the positive discipline concept: What's the difference between discipline and punishment? Punitive solutions may stop an undesired behavior for the moment, but it does nothing to teach the correct behavior (I personally don't know of any parents who punish without also guiding and teaching - but then, I hang out with all conscientious homeschooling parents!) The punishment mentality is that a person deserves to feel bad to pay for what they did wrong. Positive parenting is a totally different paradigm. Its premise is that people who feel better will be more inclined to cooperate. Dealing with undesirable behavior by punishing it usually makes the child even madder or lonelier or whatever - a child in time-out may be stewing and plotting revenge! Positive Discipline seeks to identify the root problem, deal with that, and gain the child's willing cooperation in making restitution. Instead of seeking to establish control (which often leads to butting heads), it seeks to develop a child's own self-control and cooperation. This is very different from permissiveness, which lets the child do whatever he wants because it's easier to avoid conflict, or because the parent is afraid to make the child unhappy.
Chapter 12 encourages parents to have a plan and stick to it. Choose your battles, explain what you expect before you get to the grocery store, and work towards follow-through and consistency.
Chapter 13 gives some Positive Discipline tools. Time-outs are still used, but in a different context. Instead of banishing a child to make him suffer for being bad, time-outs are used to help a child remove himself from the conflict and cool down. The goal isn't to punish, but to teach the child that, when he's too heated to respond properly, he can remove himself for a cooling-down period. Even adults need to learn this skill. Therefore, time-out corners are comfortable and have books to help the child refresh his attitude so he feels more cooperative. Tantrums aren't rewarded by giving them attention. If the child is destructive, he cleans up (or helps to clean up), but he isn't punished additionally on top of that. Parents need to be kind and firm, but they don't need to make the child suffer in order for him to learn to make better choices and make restitution for his mistakes. This chapter gives more specifics and examples.
Chapter 14 lets parents know that switching to positive methods when they're programmed to punitive methods will take time, and they should forgive themselves for lapses. It's about progress, not perfection. And remember to take time to enjoy and accept the child you have during the transition process.
Chapter 15 talks about class meetings for preschoolers. Although it doesn't apply much to parents, even in in family meetings, it does help to remember that even preschoolers want to feel included, although their contributions will often be way off the mark. That's okay, just thank them for their participation and move on.
The next section , titled, "You Can't Make'Em Do It!" exchanges power struggles for respectful cooperation (while still maintaining parental authority, setting boundaries and teaching responsibility). The three chapters in this section each address a specific parenting challenge.
Chapter 16 is about bedtime battles. Routines can help.
Chapter 17 is about eating. Basically, don't keep junk food around, offer good food, and let the child decide what he wants. If he doesn't want what's offered, he can learn to find his own solution without creating a mess for someone else - perhaps he can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Chapter 18 is about potty training. If parents don't stress and pressure the child, children will inevitably train when they're ready. All normal children are potty trained by the time they reach junior high school, no exceptions, whether their parents stressed about it or not.
Chapter 19 teaches us to try to see beyond the child's behavior to what he's really saying. All misbehavior stems from one of four motivations - a desire for attention, a desire for control, a desire for revenge, or assumed inadequacy. The child may not realize this himself. While not accepting bad behavior, addressing the root cause can dispel the reason for misbehaving in the first place. Simply punishing doesn't deal with the cause of the behavior. A child who wants attention can be validated when he's good and given tasks to do. A child who wants control can be given acceptable leadership roles. A child who wants revenge needs to get over hurt feelings and make amends. A child who feels inadequate needs to be encouraged and given small steps towards independence.
Chapter 20 shows this at work in the home. As parents identify and respond to the motivation behind the misbehavior, the child no longer needs to lash out by being bad.
Chapter 21 does this in a school setting.
The rest of the book is about childcare. The author adds a disclaimer about moms working and childcare being a parental decision, but her insistence that "reputable university studies have demonstrated (even though many political groups do not like it) that children do very well in a quality child care situation" gives her away. I accept that daycare is a tragic necessity for too many families, but I personally don't see it as an option to be chosen for convenience or any other reason except real necessity. I've read too many message board posts from heart-broken moms who desperately want to stay home and could do it if their husband would downsize their house or sell his boat or hot rod, but he flat out refuses. Bad Dad!! And there are single parents who have no choice, or have situations where they truly can't stay home with their children. For those families who need it, her tips on choosing a good daycare will be helpful, but not foolproof. I've read too many stories from moms who thought they had found the perfect daycare, only to find out months later that their child wasn't being treated the way they were led to believe. It really shows the rare gift of people who can truly care for other people's kids the way they'd care for their own, and the need for more of these gifted people to take on child care as a calling.
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, and others in the series, can be ordered from the Postive Discipline website, which also features articles, seminars and a monthly Q&A feature.
I also read Raising Your Spirited Child a few months ago.
