Raising Your Spirited Child Part 2 (of 5)

Part 1 is here

Part Two - Working With Spirit

Almost half the book is Part 2!

There's a chapter to help identify whether the child is introverted or extroverted. Where does his energy and refreshment come - from being with others, or from time alone? How much physical space does he need? Then parents identify their own energy source. Knowing this helps them work together.

Intensity - Parents need to learn to pick up cues from their child that warn of an impending crisis. Some children get stiff and jerky, some get impatient, some get louder or test the rules. Children also need to learn to recognize their own cues so they can take positive steps to avoid a meltdown. Parents can ask their child what they feel when they seem out of control, and help them find words for what's inside them. Children need to learn to put their feelings into words instead of lashing out physically. They learn by hearing it: "You seem to be feeling mad," or "you're upset, but you'll be okay." Then the child can learn to verbalize his feelings to himself: "I can be angry without hurting anyone," or "I'm feeling tense, I need to find a quiet place."

Parents should find out what calms their child. Some are soothed by relaxing in water, or creating jewelry, or patting play-doh, or reading, or with comic relief. Time out can be used to re-charge, not as punishment, but as a quiet place to regain self-control.

Spirited kids have big, intense feelings. If they're forced to deny those feelings or hide them, there will be problems. What they need is to learn positive ways of expressing them. They can learn to breathe through anger, take a break from frustration, or find a place to yell.

Persistent Children - Parents can decide which battles are worth fighting, especially if their child is overly persistent. Try to find opportunities to say yes when you can. Steps are given to help negotiate compromise for peace. What rules absolutely aren't negotiable? A toddler needs an environment where most things aren't off-limits and they can do things for themselves without too much frustration. Tips are given for setting consequences of misbehavior, such as 'it's easier to take something away from a child, such as TV, than to make him do something, like vaccuum the living room.' Find the right balance between too much authoritarian control and too much chaos so that the household is peaceful.

Sensitivity - Some kids are sensitive to noise, or things touching them. Over-stimulation makes them difficult. Learn to read the cues before the child has a meltdown. Teach him to use descriptive words to tell you when he's uncomfortable. The stimulation of TV is bad for these kids. They zone out while watching, but overreact later.

Easily distracted or hyper-perceptive - Spirited kids can have keen senses, but they often have trouble sorting incoming information, so they become confused or distracted or zoned out. Find out how your child listens to you best - whether it helps to touch him, or write a note, sing your message. Get eye contact and keep your instructions simple. Instead of telling them what *not* to do, tell them what they *can* do: instead of 'don't go left,' say 'let's go right.' Don't break their concentration while they're doing a task by giving additional instructions or even praise.

Difficulty with change or transitions - Spirited kids have a hard time stopping one activity to go to another one (such as, ending play to eat lunch). Help them verbalize that they don't like the change. Establish a routine that they can count on. Allow time for them to mentally make the switch by giving them some warning a few minutes beforehand. Make a game of going to bed by pretending to 'walk to the moon' and go through the pretend steps of preparing to make the journey. This kind of game can win cooperation. Allow children time and space to be upset at unexpected change.

There are also tips on dealing with kids who are unpredictable in their schedule, energetic and unable to keep still, and moody.

Spirited kids have spill-over tantrums (meltdowns, or uncontrolled emotional outbursts) that show up in infancy, before they're old enough to be manipulative. Find the triggers: are there peak times, cerain places or situations that cause them? In the midst of a tantrum, different things work for different kids. But most kids need you to stay close to help them through it, may need your guidance to tell them when to stop, and might need you to put things into words to help them sort out their emotions. Be kind but firm, don't give in. Adding a spanking to an already charged situation rarely helps. If tantrums are making you dislike your child, get professional counseling.