Unconditional Parenting: The Child's Perspective (and CM)

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

This is the last post I'll be posting about this book - because it's the last chapter. As I was reading it with Tim, I kept stopping to exclaim, "That sounds so much like Charlotte Mason!" or "That's just what what Charlotte Mason said!" So, included in my posts directly about Alfie Kohn's chapter from Unconditional Parenting, I've interspersed my own comments with quotes from Charlotte Mason's books, using my modern English paraphrase. ;)

10. The Child's Perspective

This is how Alfie Kohn begins chapter ten:

"How do we raise our children to be happy? That's an important question, but here's another one: How do we raise our children to be concerned about whether other people are happy?

"It's important that we don't allow the first issue to upstage the second--or, for that matter, that we don't spend more energy trying to get kids to be polite and well behaved than on trying to help them become genuinely compassionate and committed to doing the right thing. We need to focus on our children's moral development.

"To do so is to recast various ideas that are discussed in other parenting books. For example, 'boundaries' and 'limits' are usually thought of as restrictions that adults impose on children. But shouldn't our goal be for the children to refrain from doing certain things not because we've forbidden them, but just because they're wrong? The limits on kids' behavior, in other words, should be experienced as intrinsic to the situation. We want them to ask, 'How will doing x make that other kid feel?'--not 'Am I allowed to x?' or 'Will I get in trouble for doing x?'

"This is an ambitious goal, but not an unrealistic one because we have good material to work with. Human beings are born with the capacity to care. Thus, parents hoping to raise a child who is responsive to the needs of others already have 'an allay within the child,' as Martin Hoffman once put it.

"Of course, that doesn't mean that kids will automatically grow into ethical people if left to their own devices. They need our help. To begin with, they need us to stop doing things that interfere with moral growth, things like punishments and rewards, which are rooted in--and underscore a child's preoccupation with--self-interest. The elimination of these staples of traditional discipline is an important step toward helping children become attuned to the well-being of others. But it's only a single step. The subtraction of bad parenting practices must be accompanied by the addition of good ones."

____________________________

I included that whole quote because it really sums up the whole why of unconditional parenting, and because it sounds so much like what Charlotte Mason was saying. Kohn wrote, "...we have good material to work with. Human beings are born with the capacity to care." This goes along with the second of Charlotte Mason's 20 Principles (Children "are not born either good or bad, but with possibilities for good and for evil.") Because children are fully Persons made in God's image, they have within them the capacity to care. (CM talks about the noble riches born in each person's heart in Vol. 4, Book 1, pg 96). As parents and teachers, we aren't trying to force something in them that's foreign to them, or create something in them they weren't born with. We're nurturing and working with something that's already there. "Chivalry, honor, tact, obedience, and passionate obedience to God's law--these are the chords within the child that we need to play on if we want our youths to be pure. But we have to believe that chivalry and purity are already there within them, rather than foreign concepts that we need to introduce with lectures." (CM's Volume 5, pg 397, modern paraphrase)

From Alfie Kohn's quote: "To begin with, they need us to stop doing things that interfere with moral growth." This reminds me of Charlotte Mason saying parental authority that appears arbitrary "offends" the child, who needs to learn to do what he should because it's right; a child needs to see his parents enforcing rules simply because they're right for everyone. "Authority isn't harsh or indulgent. She is gentle, and easy to reason with about nonessential matters--because she's uncompromising when it comes to matters of real importance. For those matters, there's always an established principle." (Volume 3, pg 17, modern paraphrase) "Authority tries not to offend . . . wise parents will find a balance. . . In the unusual event that requires a new regulation, they might casually comment on the reason for doing so, but if that's not convenient or possible, they don't mind resorting to the most important reason for obedience: 'because it's the right thing to do.' To put it plainly, authority tries its best not to give reason for offense." (Vol 3 pg 22, modern paraphrase) Charlotte Mason talks more about teaching morality in Volume 1, pages 13-16.

Alfie Kohn lists ways to raise moral kids.

1. Care about them by developing trust through attachment and respect. By meeting the child's basic needs for love, nurture, warmth from the beginning, they aren't preoccupied with meeting those needs and can be free to focus on others. This echoes studies that show that infant attachment parenting builds trust that carries into later life, and prevents problems that some adults face because they're still dealing with unmet needs for closeness.

2. Show children how a moral person lives - no, silly, this doesn't mean introducing them to the upstanding citizen who lives down the street. :) Model morality for them, and let them watch and listen as you grapple with issues so they can see how it's done, and so they can see that it's not always easy or black-and-white.

3. Let them practice - Give them opportunities to work with others to solve problems, or be responsible and caring--by looking out for their little sister or taking care of a pet. (I think Charlotte Mason's concept of "masterly inactivity" would fit here.)

4. Talk with them - guide and explain; discuss. CM stressed this, and thought that meals around the dinner table provided an excellent opportunity for this. Alfie Kohn writes, "We need to establish clear moral guidelines, to be explicit about what we expect, but in a way that minimizes coercion. Yes, there has to be some force behind what we say to them (about how other people should, and shouldn't, be treated), but it's important that force itself doesn't become the message." Charlotte Mason said the same thing: "He's free to do what he should, but in his deepest heart, he knows very well that he's not free to do what he shouldn't. . . He needs to be treated with full confidence, and he must feel like choosing the right thing is his own free choice that his parents trust him to make. But he must also be aware of a deterring force in the background that's always alert and ready to hinder him when he wants to makes the wrong choice." (Volume 3 pg 32, modern paraphrase) When debating an issue (such as when a child tries to make a case for staying up late), respond to what your child means, even if he can't articulate it very well. In fact, help him out. Articulate his position for him, trying to nail down the real issue and his real concern, to demonstrate how to word his opinion, and to show that you understand his point of view. You don't have to agree, but you want to let your kids know that they don't have to be good at rhetoric for you to respect their opinions.

Perspective

The section on being able to see things from someone else's perspective sounded very CM. Kohn says that we want children to be able to see things from another person's point of view. This requires imagination. CM agreed, and used living books as one way of getting children to picture life from someone else's vantage point, to bring home the concept that other people, whether down the street or in other cultures and times, feel the same things they do. This kind of imagination was important to CM as a way to develop compassion. She wrote that the child, with proper teaching, will "be able to put himself in someone else's shoes without anyone suggesting it. He'll judge others in the same way he'd like to be judged himself" (Volume 5, pg 208, modern paraphrase). Alfie Kohn says we need to nurture and encourage this in children, although he never mentions using books to nurture this ability. Children need to understand that decent people can come to very different conclusions and have different opinions than we do--CM also said this; she faulted the fallibility of Reason. "But if two equally intelligent and equally good people are passionately convinced by their Reason of two things exactly opposite, then their Reason can't both be infallible. At least one of them has to be wrong. Perhaps one of them believes that a certain war is the duty of his country, and the other believes that the war is a crime. They can't both be right. Since all men (unless they're idiots or insane) have this same ability to Reason, then we can only conclude that Reason is not infallible. Not all final conclusions are correct. It all depends on the notion from which the reasoning began." (Volume 4, Book 1, pg pg 62) CM talks more about the fallibility of Reason in Volume 4, Book 2, pg 58 and pg 76.

Perspective means that when a grocery store clerk is rude to us, we won't react in anger, or wonder what we did wrong. It isn't about us! Instead, we'll wonder what made the clerk so moody--we'll show understanding and compassion. CM said something similar. "People who have Goodwill understand that glaring faults and annoying habits don't make up the real person any more than sun spots make up the sun itself. Therefore, it's not difficult to put up with his faults." (Vol 4, Book 1 pg 92, moden paraphrase), and, "He won't assume negative intent, or quickly accuse someone else of unworthy behavior. He'll be fair in assessing other people's conduct, character and reputation. . . His good-will and kindness won't only reach out to the needs of others, but will also result in patience when others are irritable, and nobleness in forgiving others when they offend him." (Volume 5, pg 208, modern paraphrase)

As parents, we need to remember our own perspective, and try to see things from our child's perspective. If you were a child and someone told you what you just told your child, how would it feel? This makes us more apt to figure out what's really going on with our child, more observant of their moods, and more effective at responding to them. And this will help us in our journey to be unconditional parents.

I'll end with a quote from Charlotte Mason about her perspective of the child: "The child is a human being. He may be immature, but, still, he might represent a human being at his best. Who among us adults has such gifts of seeing, knowing, understanding, imagining, and such capabilities to love, give and believe as the 'little child in the midst'? The highest praise that we can give to the wisest and best among us is that they're as fresh and quick in their interests and passions as a little child." (Volume 2, pg 205, modern paraphrase)

For the other posts in this series, click here.

Unconditional Parenting: 9. Choices for Children

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

9. Choices for Children

Nobody likes to have everything about their life decided for them and dictated to them. Children should be allowed to choose how to live their lives as much as possible, and they should be allowed to help come up with solutions about issues that affect them. Explain and discuss, but let them have the final say whenever you can. It's not always possible, but inviting them to have a say and honestly considering their opinion tells them that you care. Unconditional parenting means working with the child, not forcing all your arbitrary decisions on them. It also doesn't mean leaving them to do whatever they want (that's neglect, not parenting). Unconditional parenting requires a high level of parental involvement.

Labelling punishments as a choice is unfair: "You chose a time-out by breaking the rule" So is calling it choice when there's only one real option: "Do you want to wash dishes now, or during your favorite TV show?"

Sometimes it isn't possible to give children a choice. When a decision has to be made for them and they resist, use the least intrusive method of getting them to comply. Be honest about the decision, and explain why they have to do it this way. Make it fun if you can. Let them see you accept unpleasant realities of life with grace. And let them make choices that affect their lives whenever it's feasible.

Unconditional Parenting: 8. Love Without Strings Attached

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

8. Love Without Strings Attached

This one is shorter because I found it less inspiring (it's old news to me) and I really want to get to chapter ten.



A How-to list that includes limiting the number, intensity, and scope of your criticisms and looking for alternatives to criticism. Our goal shouldn't be making a child feel rotten about himself (because now he's thinking about himself, rather than others who hisbehavior affects). Ideally, simply drawing a child's attention to the way his actions made someone else feel should be enough to make the point.

The most important part of this chapter explained why praising good behavior backfires. The gist is that, "When unconditional love and genuine enthusiasm are always present, 'Good job!' isn't necessary; when they're absent, 'Good job!' won't help.' Praising kids for good behaviors puts the focus on themselves and how to earn another praise, instead of where it should be--on the person at the receiving end of that action. A parent may acknowledge and notice a kind act, but not make a judgement call on it, or on the child. Say "You set the table! That makes it easier for me!" instead of, "you're a good helper!" Or ask what the child thinks of his painting when he shows it to you instead of making a judgement of whether it's 'good.'

Children need to draw satisfactions from their actions themselves and not look to others to approve or validate them for doing right.

Unconditional Parenting: 7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

This is the heart of the book. Kohn lays out principles instead of providing exact steps and scripts to successful unconditional parenting. Charlotte Mason did that with her book suggestions: instead of giving a list of titles, she wrote up some principles so that parents could pick their own books.

Unconditional parenting focuses on working with the child, not doing to the child. We shouldn't ask ourselves how to make our child do what we want, but what our child needs, and how we can meet those needs needs.

1. Be reflective - search out your own reasons for doing what you do, be honest about your motives.

2. Reconsider your requests - is what you're asking fair? Is it important enough in the grand scheme of things to enforce it?

3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals - if your goal is to raise responsible, caring, creative children - does your reaction to her spilled milk or loss of temper assist those goals?

4. Put the relationship first - Being right isn't always what's most important. It's more important to have an atmosphere of trust and respect between parent and child.

5. Change how you see, not just how you act - This kind of parenting is a totally different perspective, a new paradigm, for many people. Try to see issues as opportunities to teach, problems to work through together, instead of as infractions to punish.

6. Respect - Don't talk about your kids as if they aren't there. Don't insist they must be cold, or that it isn't anything to be upset about. Respect kids enough to accept that they don't need us to tell them how they feel.

7. Be Authentic - be transparent, apologize if you're wrong. Don't be afraid of being knocked off your pedestal.

8. Talk less, ask more - Instead of demanding and then punishing the child for not complying, find out *why* they aren't complying. They may have a valid reason. Ask open-ended questions, not questions that require your pre-determined answer, such as, "what do you say when you bump your sister?"

9. Keep their ages in mind - remember that children may not be developmentally capable of being still, or being quiet, or whatever you're asking.

10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts - don't assume a child bumped his sister on purpose. Ask questions, find out *why* the child did what he did.

11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily - Maybe your child really can climb the stairs by himself. Why not let him try? Reflect and see if you can say 'yes' before you automatically say no.

12. Don't be rigid - Decide each situation on its own merit. Surprise your kids sometimes with a treat.

13. Don't be in a hurry - Rearrange your routine so that you're not constantly stressed about time - shop when you have time to let your child look around, get up earlier so there's less rush to get him out the door. This is especially true with toddlers.

Unconditional Parenting: 6. What Holds Us Back?

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

6. What Holds Us Back?

We may know that control and conditional parenting are ineffective - so what keeps us from changing? We have to address the reasons we do what we do if we really want to change. Kohn lists several reasons why parents continue to do what they suspect isn't working.

We repeat what's familiar. The way we were parented and what we see everyone else doing seems normal and comfortable. Even when we know it isn't working, it's hard to break away from what we're used to.

As a society, in spite of what we say, we don't truly value children. Parents buy things to keep them occupied and out of the way, and society prefers well-behaved children (quiet, still kids - not real kids who are curious and energetic). It's acceptable to be disrespectful and rude to children. Although most children are harshly reprimanded (my own perception is that too many children are punished only after they've annoyed their parents, but they aren't always trained), the general perception is that today's kids are out of control and allowed to run wild--and need more spankings. But good parenting isn't necessarily harsh and authoritative. "Parents who seem oblivious to how their children are annoying strangers and getting into mischief are often equally oblivious to their children's needs. That's an argument not for more discipline, but for grown-ups to spend more time with kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect." In other words, what the naughty little boy in Barnes and Noble really needs isn't a good spanking, but parents who will spend more time with him, loving and teaching him.

Parenting books tell us that we need to "win" our parenting battles--placing us in an adversarial position against our kids. Parents with a competitive need to win will tend to get impressive, well-behaved children at any cost. And parents who value conformity will pressure their kids to appear well-behaved, using whatever methods seem to enforce conformity.

Parents misjudge what kids are capable of doing--they assume they can dress themselves and them punish them when they can't. They may expect them to sit still, and them punish them when they can't.

As a culture, we have the idea of retribution and justice so ingrained in us that we feel a strong need to "make kids pay" when they do wrong, so we inflict suffering on them to appease our sense of vengeance even when it doesn't really teach the right lesson. The satisfaction of seeing them "get what they deserve" may override the long-range goals we have for raising our children.

Parents may over-react when they sense that they're losing control by being more controlling. In our fear of them running wild, we tighten the reins too much. There's no balance, just a wavering from one extreme to the other. Or, we let things go until we finally get aggravated enough to do something--and punishing is the only alternative we know. It's either let kids get away with stuff, or punish them--we don't know of anything in the middle.

Kohn says that harsh authitarian parenting has its roots in religion that preaches "Do what you're you're told; you'll become rich and get to watch your enemies die." But that's a caricature; Christians may be followers (like anyone else), but it's unfair to characterize them the way he does. More commonly, I see Christians jumping on the bandwagon of whatever is trendy, whether it's Dobson, Pearl/Train Up a Child, or Ezzo/Growing Kids God's Way. When churches hold gentle parenting seminars, Christians will do that just as readily. So I definitely disagree with Kohn - being a Christian doesn't automatically make a person a believer in harsh discipline, and throwing out religion isn't necessary to be a respectful, understanding parent who guides without over-control.

Our own limitations, anxieties, past misconceptions and scars can influence not only how we react to our kids, but how we perceive their actions. We may view innocent childhood immaturity (like carelessly breaking a vase) as deliberate naughtiness meant to hurt us--and then react to that. How we view ourselves--did we feel accepted as children ourselves?--can influence how we perceive our children. In fact, we may be so focused on our own unmet childhood needs, that we overlook our children. Some parents are distant and afraid of getting too close because of their own history.

Parents may be afraid that they'll be perceived as inadequate or even judged by others if their children aren't perfect, so they keep their kids under tight control. Or they may feel powerless if they don't maintain strict control. We may be too overprotective and not allow our kids to be kids. We may fear that our kids will be too babyish and rush them into independence (early potty training, early weaning, removing the pacifier and blankie) before they're ready. Or, we may be so afraid of becoming permissive that we lay down strict rules with harsh enforcement to keep permissiveness at bay.

Parents need to consider why they do what they do, and ask themselves, "Is it possible that what I just with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what's really in their best interests?"

Unconditional Parenting: 5. Pushed to Succeed

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

This chapter didn't grab my attention much because I don't know people who really pressure their children; this is something I hear caricatured more than I actually see it happen in real life. Jack Beckman said that Kohn tends to caricature parents to make his point, and I can see that. But I think most parenting writers do that.

5. Pushed to Succeed

Kids can feel stressed and depressed when their parents are more concerned about their future success than their well-being. It can drive kids to be competitive to win, rather than focusing on the more important purpose of doing well. They may assess their worth based on how they rate in class, or sports, or whatever. Sometimes those parents are after their own glory - the honor of being the parent of a success.

In school, rewarding children for good grades makes them less interesting in the learning itself. The focus on succeeding may make them choose the least challenging assignments. Not only is the grade their focus, but the fear of failure is too much of a risk to take on a challenge. They also tend to skim for answers instead of tackling tough questions and reflecting - so they don't learn to be deep thinkers. In school, just like in discipline, control tends to backfire. Worst of all is when parents offer acceptance and affection based on school grades.

In sports, parents sometimes pressure their kids to win, to be the best. Although parents may claim that they just want their kids to enjoy themselves, saying, 'we only want our son to do his best,' is a different message than telling him to have fun. It carries an implied pressure to win. Competitive sports can bring out the worst in parents.

Does competition motivate people to do their best? If children know they have our unconditional love and don't need to earn it, won't it make them lazy? Isn't it human nature to do as little as possible?

Children who know they're loved unconditionally will probably accept themselves and have positive self-regard without being arrogantly self-satisfied. Such a person isn't inclined to sit around and do nothing. They'll be more willing to take the risks of challenging projects because their self-worth isn't riding on the outcome.

Unconditional Parenting: 4. Punitive Damages

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

Before I go any further, let me say - Jack Beckman recommended reading Unconditional Parenting along with Shepherding a Child's Heart, so I've had that one next on my list. I'm having second thoughts, though, after hearing reviews like the ones posted at GCM here and here.

I was also surprised to learn that Alfie Kohn is revered by TCS parents (Taking Children Seriously/non-coersion at all costs), although Unconditional Parenting, which I'm enjoying and mostly agreeing with, at least in theory, is considered less extreme than other books of his. I may try to find something somewhere in the middle - unconditional, "working with" instead of "doing to," but that has no problem recognizing the parental need to set limits and teach boundaries.

4. Punitive Damages

The concept of punishment is to make kids suffer to teach them a lesson. But "how likely is it that intentionally making children unhappy will prove beneficial in the long run? And: If punishment is so effective, how come I have to keep doing it to my child over and over?" A 1957 study showed that punishment was ineffective at curing aggression, clinginess, bedwetting, and other grievances. Newer studies show that kids who are punished for breaking rules tend to break rules more when they're not home. Spanking makes children more aggressive and imparts the lesson that "you can get your way with people who are weaker than you are by hurting them."

But spanking isn't the only way that parents inflict suffering on their children to teach them a lesson. There's also depriving children of affection or privileges, humiliation or isolation. These 'new, improved' forms of punishment may be re-labeled as consequences and justified because they're 'logical' or because they're spelled out in advance. But that's really just a way of threatening: 'If you do this, I'll do that.' Natural consequences--allowing a child to go hungry if they're late for dinner, or to be wet if they forget a raincoat--carries the subtle message that 'Mom could have helped me, but she wouldn't be bothered.'

When kids rebel against punishment and control and become defiant, the usual advice is to use *more* punishment and *more* control - which leads to a vicious cycle. Parents assume it's the child who's the problem, and never challenge whether the whole concept of punishment itself might not be at fault. "Misbehavior and punishment are not opposites that cancel each other out; on the contrary, they breed and reinforce each other."

Kohn lists probable reasons why punishment is counterproductive:
- It makes the child mad because he's helplessly controlled
- It models a misuse of power
- As kids get older, it becomes less effective. What then?
- It erodes our relationships with our kids
- It puts the child's focus on his unfair treatment instead on the real issue.
- It impedes moral thinking by putting the child's focus on himself (avoiding punishment) instead of others

Punishment doesn't work, and *more* punishment won't make it any more effective. Adding warnings and explanations doesn't make it work better - if a child doesn't share, then explaining why they need to share, and also taking the toy away, will cancel out the explanation and direct the child's focus to the loss of the toy rather than the misdeed.

The "doing to" approach to parenting (including spanking, consequences, rewards and even verbal praise) is based on a faulty premise. As long as a parent has these in their parenting toolbox, the less likely they'll be to try the "working with" approach.

Unconditional Parenting 3. Too Much Control

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

3. Too Much Control

"The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn't permissiveness, but the fear of permissiveness." Parents fuss and nag and yell and reprimand in an effort to restrict children unnecessarily out of a fear of being too permissive. That fear drives us to overcompensate by controlling too much. But our demands show a lack of respect for the child, as if parents don't think kids deserve as much respect as adults do. How would we treat an adult friend if they forgot something, or didn't whisper in the library, or accidentally dropped and broke something? If something is innocuous when our friend does it, then why is it punishable when our child does it?

In some studies, it was children who had less controlling parents (those whose parents talked with them, tried to accommodate them, and considered their side) who were more likely to do as they were told. Yet when controlling methods don't work and the child rebels, more control is instituted. Overly controlled children will either lose their self-reliance and allow themselves be bullied into submission, or they'll be behaved in public but sneaky, or they will be angry and defiant.

When parents have too much control over food, limiting food to their mealtimes and using food as a reward, children lose the ability to regulate their own hunger cues. When parents don't give children chances to choose to do right for themselves, children may not develop a strong internal conscience. When parents direct their kids' play and activities too much, kids lose interest.

"...with teachers: Lean on them to 'raise standards' and they turn into drill sergeants. The ironic result is that their students end up acieving at lower levels than their counterparts in classrooms where there's less top-down emphasis on 'accountability.'" (How does this compare with John Thorley's talk on Relationship vs Examinable Results?)

Children do need structure, but not control. "As a rule, reasonable structures are imposed only when necessary, in a flexible manner, without undue restrictiveness, and, when possible, with the participation of the child." That's not the same as coercing your own will on a child. Parents need to be "in control" (providing a safe environment, guiding, setting limits) without being "controlling."

"The goal is empowerment rather than conformity, and the methods are respectful rather than coercive."

Unconditional Parenting: 2. Giving and Withholding Love

Unconditional Parenting:
Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

2. Giving and Withholding Love

Parenting can be either harsh (yelling, threatening, hitting) or not - but even when it's not, less harsh methods are often used to gain power over a child, usually by withdrawing love or using postive reinforcement (reward/praise).

Withdrawing love might mean acting cold and withdrawn when a parent is displeased with a child. They may make a point of ignoring the child, relaying the message that attention is earned with obedience. The parent might verbalize, 'I don't love you, or want to be around you when you act like that.' Or they might put physical space between them by either walking away while the child begs them to come back, or by banishing the child to forced isolation (known as 'time-out'). This can be perceived as abandonment by the child, especially if they're too young to grasp the temporary nature of the separation.

When children are sent away to time-out/solitary confinement against their will, it's love withdrawal. But giving the child the option of cooling off in an inviting place, like his room, to spend time alone when the time limit is under his control, can be helpful. Kohn says that the term and concept of 'time-out' came from BF Skinner's lab experiments to control animal behavior (I've always thought it came from sports, where a player is benched for time-out to regroup or rest; I'm not sure I believe it came from Skinner.)

The problem with negative reinforcement is that it forces the child to think about how their actions affect themselves--'How can I avoid being punished?' But it's more important (and trickier) to get children to consider how their actions affect others. In fact, time-out might be more harmful than spanking because it lasts longer. When love withdrawal is used as a continual way to control children, those children may become anxious, afraid to express anger, and fear failure. They may fear attachment and be distant as adults, perhaps because they don't want to be abandoned again.

Children who are sent to time-out to think over their wrong-doings and repent are more likely to seethe and harbor resentful thoughts as they stew in time-out - which is hardly what most parents want to foster.

Rewards are also destructive. Rewards might gain immediate compliance, but will never motivate the child to make the action a permanent part of himself. Children who are rewarded for being nice think of themselves, not as nice people, but as people who only act nice for a price. Reading a book has its own reward; reading a book to get pizza can spoil the whole thing. "The more people are rewarded for doing something, the more likely they are to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward."

Verbal praise acts on motivation just like a reward. It makes a person less interested in the task itself. Do we want children to share in order to hear Mommy say, "good job sharing!" or to make their friend feel better, even if Mommy doesn't notice? Why/when do we praise our kids? When they make our lives more convenient, or when they show a really impressive trait? "Children's sense of their competence, and perhaps of their worth, may come to rise or fall as a result of our reaction." They look to us to see if we approve, like a toddler who falls and looks to his mother to see if he's hurt.

Everyone needs praise, but it's exploitive to use praise as a means of control. And the more we praise, the more we make a child crave praise, and the more we undermine their perception of their abilities.

Kohn goes into the concept of self-esteem - he disagrees with both groups, those who think high self-esteem is good, and those who think that focusing on "feel-good" self-esteem makes people unmotivated. He says that the key is how variable a person's self-esteem is - does a person feel worthwhile depending on how successful they are or what people think of them? People whose self-esteem fluctuates may feel worthless when their lives aren't going well, or defensive and aggressively protective of their esteem. They may have a competitive need to win. They may go to unhealthy lengths to look good, or succeed - because their self-worth as a person depends on it.

People who feel loved unconditionally spend less time thinking about their self-esteem, less time evaluating how good they are, and less time deliberately trying to feel good about themselves.

Unconditional Parenting 1. Conditional Parenting

I want to think more about CM and parenting techniques, and my first step is reading this book more thoroughly. I wish I had Jack Beckman's charts and outlines, as they did a great job of summarizing the book, but I don't have them. I've actually read the first six chapters (half the book) but I wanted to go back and read it a second time.

Unconditional Parenting:
Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

1. Conditional Parenting

All parents love their children, but not all children feel loved. Children need unconditional love that they don't have to earn or measure up to in order to thrive. If our preschooler is naughty and difficult all day, do we still snuggle and read stories with her that night, or do we refuse to reward her bad behavior by depriving her of that fun as a consequence? Unconditional parenting means that we deal with the behavior by talking about it and teaching, but then we snuggle and read our bedtime stories as usual. "Whatever lesson we hoped to impart was far more likely to be learned if she knew that our love for her was undimmed by how she had acted."

Conditional parenting is closely related to behaviorism (B.F. Skinner: if good behaviors are reinforced/rewarded, then they'll be repeated; if bad behavior is associated with negative results, it will cease. We can't do anything about a person's motives, we can only deal with their actions.)

Behaviorism is forcing a child to apologize, even if they don't feel sorry. It's making a child cry it out at night with no regard for why he's crying. It's ignoring a toddler's desire not to go potty and bribing him with M&M's or stickers. Behaviorism is "concerned not with the thoughts and feelings and intentions that give rise to a behavior, only with the behavior itself." Behaviorism assumes that if the little girl who was naughty in the previous paragraph gets her snuggle and story, she'll be encouraged to be naughty again because her bad behavior was reinforced.

"Unconditional parenting assumes that behaviors are just the outward expression of feelings and thoughts, needs and intentions. In a nutshell, it's the child who engages in a behavior, not just the behavior itself. Children are not pets to be trained, nor are they computers, programmed to respond predictably to an input." We need to find out why, not just stamp out the way the child is expressing his feelings.

Unconditional love doesn't reinforce bad behavior. Those who fear that it does are cynical and think the worst of human nature. A misbehaving child probably isn't being malicious or deliberately trying to make us miserable. She may be expressing her own misery in the only way she knows how. She needs to learn better ways of expressing herself, but she'll be more teachable in an atmosphere of love and acceptance. Love and acceptance should be a child's birthright, a gift, not a privilege to be earned.

Conditional parenting focuses on behavior, has a negative view of human nature, views parental love as something to be earned, and does things to the child - reward/punishment - as its strategy.

Unconditional parenting focuses on the whole child, including his thoughts, reasons, feelings (this sounds CM). It has a balanced or positive view of human nature, considers parental love a gift, and uses problem solving to work with the child as its strategy.

All parents love their children and want the best for them, but when children perceive that they have to earn their parents' love by doing well, they may have trouble accepting themselves, may create a false self as a result of trying to please, and may resent their parents as they get older. Children who felt unconditionally loved had a better relationship with their parents into adulthood and a more balanced view of themselves.