Unconditional Parenting: 7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

This is the heart of the book. Kohn lays out principles instead of providing exact steps and scripts to successful unconditional parenting. Charlotte Mason did that with her book suggestions: instead of giving a list of titles, she wrote up some principles so that parents could pick their own books.

Unconditional parenting focuses on working with the child, not doing to the child. We shouldn't ask ourselves how to make our child do what we want, but what our child needs, and how we can meet those needs needs.

1. Be reflective - search out your own reasons for doing what you do, be honest about your motives.

2. Reconsider your requests - is what you're asking fair? Is it important enough in the grand scheme of things to enforce it?

3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals - if your goal is to raise responsible, caring, creative children - does your reaction to her spilled milk or loss of temper assist those goals?

4. Put the relationship first - Being right isn't always what's most important. It's more important to have an atmosphere of trust and respect between parent and child.

5. Change how you see, not just how you act - This kind of parenting is a totally different perspective, a new paradigm, for many people. Try to see issues as opportunities to teach, problems to work through together, instead of as infractions to punish.

6. Respect - Don't talk about your kids as if they aren't there. Don't insist they must be cold, or that it isn't anything to be upset about. Respect kids enough to accept that they don't need us to tell them how they feel.

7. Be Authentic - be transparent, apologize if you're wrong. Don't be afraid of being knocked off your pedestal.

8. Talk less, ask more - Instead of demanding and then punishing the child for not complying, find out *why* they aren't complying. They may have a valid reason. Ask open-ended questions, not questions that require your pre-determined answer, such as, "what do you say when you bump your sister?"

9. Keep their ages in mind - remember that children may not be developmentally capable of being still, or being quiet, or whatever you're asking.

10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts - don't assume a child bumped his sister on purpose. Ask questions, find out *why* the child did what he did.

11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily - Maybe your child really can climb the stairs by himself. Why not let him try? Reflect and see if you can say 'yes' before you automatically say no.

12. Don't be rigid - Decide each situation on its own merit. Surprise your kids sometimes with a treat.

13. Don't be in a hurry - Rearrange your routine so that you're not constantly stressed about time - shop when you have time to let your child look around, get up earlier so there's less rush to get him out the door. This is especially true with toddlers.