Unconditional Parenting: 6. What Holds Us Back?

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

6. What Holds Us Back?

We may know that control and conditional parenting are ineffective - so what keeps us from changing? We have to address the reasons we do what we do if we really want to change. Kohn lists several reasons why parents continue to do what they suspect isn't working.

We repeat what's familiar. The way we were parented and what we see everyone else doing seems normal and comfortable. Even when we know it isn't working, it's hard to break away from what we're used to.

As a society, in spite of what we say, we don't truly value children. Parents buy things to keep them occupied and out of the way, and society prefers well-behaved children (quiet, still kids - not real kids who are curious and energetic). It's acceptable to be disrespectful and rude to children. Although most children are harshly reprimanded (my own perception is that too many children are punished only after they've annoyed their parents, but they aren't always trained), the general perception is that today's kids are out of control and allowed to run wild--and need more spankings. But good parenting isn't necessarily harsh and authoritative. "Parents who seem oblivious to how their children are annoying strangers and getting into mischief are often equally oblivious to their children's needs. That's an argument not for more discipline, but for grown-ups to spend more time with kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect." In other words, what the naughty little boy in Barnes and Noble really needs isn't a good spanking, but parents who will spend more time with him, loving and teaching him.

Parenting books tell us that we need to "win" our parenting battles--placing us in an adversarial position against our kids. Parents with a competitive need to win will tend to get impressive, well-behaved children at any cost. And parents who value conformity will pressure their kids to appear well-behaved, using whatever methods seem to enforce conformity.

Parents misjudge what kids are capable of doing--they assume they can dress themselves and them punish them when they can't. They may expect them to sit still, and them punish them when they can't.

As a culture, we have the idea of retribution and justice so ingrained in us that we feel a strong need to "make kids pay" when they do wrong, so we inflict suffering on them to appease our sense of vengeance even when it doesn't really teach the right lesson. The satisfaction of seeing them "get what they deserve" may override the long-range goals we have for raising our children.

Parents may over-react when they sense that they're losing control by being more controlling. In our fear of them running wild, we tighten the reins too much. There's no balance, just a wavering from one extreme to the other. Or, we let things go until we finally get aggravated enough to do something--and punishing is the only alternative we know. It's either let kids get away with stuff, or punish them--we don't know of anything in the middle.

Kohn says that harsh authitarian parenting has its roots in religion that preaches "Do what you're you're told; you'll become rich and get to watch your enemies die." But that's a caricature; Christians may be followers (like anyone else), but it's unfair to characterize them the way he does. More commonly, I see Christians jumping on the bandwagon of whatever is trendy, whether it's Dobson, Pearl/Train Up a Child, or Ezzo/Growing Kids God's Way. When churches hold gentle parenting seminars, Christians will do that just as readily. So I definitely disagree with Kohn - being a Christian doesn't automatically make a person a believer in harsh discipline, and throwing out religion isn't necessary to be a respectful, understanding parent who guides without over-control.

Our own limitations, anxieties, past misconceptions and scars can influence not only how we react to our kids, but how we perceive their actions. We may view innocent childhood immaturity (like carelessly breaking a vase) as deliberate naughtiness meant to hurt us--and then react to that. How we view ourselves--did we feel accepted as children ourselves?--can influence how we perceive our children. In fact, we may be so focused on our own unmet childhood needs, that we overlook our children. Some parents are distant and afraid of getting too close because of their own history.

Parents may be afraid that they'll be perceived as inadequate or even judged by others if their children aren't perfect, so they keep their kids under tight control. Or they may feel powerless if they don't maintain strict control. We may be too overprotective and not allow our kids to be kids. We may fear that our kids will be too babyish and rush them into independence (early potty training, early weaning, removing the pacifier and blankie) before they're ready. Or, we may be so afraid of becoming permissive that we lay down strict rules with harsh enforcement to keep permissiveness at bay.

Parents need to consider why they do what they do, and ask themselves, "Is it possible that what I just with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what's really in their best interests?"