Unconditional Parenting 3. Too Much Control

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

3. Too Much Control

"The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn't permissiveness, but the fear of permissiveness." Parents fuss and nag and yell and reprimand in an effort to restrict children unnecessarily out of a fear of being too permissive. That fear drives us to overcompensate by controlling too much. But our demands show a lack of respect for the child, as if parents don't think kids deserve as much respect as adults do. How would we treat an adult friend if they forgot something, or didn't whisper in the library, or accidentally dropped and broke something? If something is innocuous when our friend does it, then why is it punishable when our child does it?

In some studies, it was children who had less controlling parents (those whose parents talked with them, tried to accommodate them, and considered their side) who were more likely to do as they were told. Yet when controlling methods don't work and the child rebels, more control is instituted. Overly controlled children will either lose their self-reliance and allow themselves be bullied into submission, or they'll be behaved in public but sneaky, or they will be angry and defiant.

When parents have too much control over food, limiting food to their mealtimes and using food as a reward, children lose the ability to regulate their own hunger cues. When parents don't give children chances to choose to do right for themselves, children may not develop a strong internal conscience. When parents direct their kids' play and activities too much, kids lose interest.

"...with teachers: Lean on them to 'raise standards' and they turn into drill sergeants. The ironic result is that their students end up acieving at lower levels than their counterparts in classrooms where there's less top-down emphasis on 'accountability.'" (How does this compare with John Thorley's talk on Relationship vs Examinable Results?)

Children do need structure, but not control. "As a rule, reasonable structures are imposed only when necessary, in a flexible manner, without undue restrictiveness, and, when possible, with the participation of the child." That's not the same as coercing your own will on a child. Parents need to be "in control" (providing a safe environment, guiding, setting limits) without being "controlling."

"The goal is empowerment rather than conformity, and the methods are respectful rather than coercive."