Preventing Peer Orientation

Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D.

Part V - Preventing Peer Orientation

This is the final section of the book, and contains two chapters. I found it hard not to just quote the entire thing, because it expresses one of my main reasons for homeschooling (although the author never says that homeschooling is a solution, or is even necessary.) It's also the reason why, as a homeschooler, I've resisted involvement in church youth groups, Little League, Scouts, to make up for lost socialization time - although it was just a nebulous, niggling feeling in my mind; this is the first time I've seen my vague reasons spelled out clearly.

So, now I have a Parental Must-Read list. I think every new parent ought to read Baby Matters by Linda Folden Palmer when their baby is an infant to explain how early parenting impacts the child later, and then Endangered Minds by Jane Healy when their child is a toddler to explain what their child's brain really needs, and then this book, Hold On To Your Kids, when their child is old enough for the parent to wonder whether their child should be enrolled in a playgroup or preschool for socialization. Perhaps these would make good baby shower gifts?

On to the book . . .

Peer orientation is like a Trojan Horse. It's perceived as a wonderful thing to be sought after, but it can set the stage for disaster because it's a threat to the parent/child attachment.

At first, peers free us up from our kids' demands, and our kids seem so happy, so social; they even seem happy and comfortable at school. But, ultimately, peers make kids strive to learn only enough to keep them from standing out. Preschool kids who are secure with peers from an early age "may have the best head start, but homeschooled kids have the best finish" because they aren't afraid to stand out by excelling.

Shyness indicates attachment - a child attached to adults will be shy and less cool around kids, but a peer oriented child will be the opposite: shy around adults and comfortable enough to fit in with other kids. Unfortunately, real social skills - kindness, consideration, caring - are learned from adults, not from being cool with peers.

Daycare puts toddlers under constant, chronic stress as it imposes people on the child that he doesn't feel at home with. The longer kids are in day care, the more often they sneak. talk back, have tantrums, and hit/fight. It isn't necessary to keep kids home to prevent the bad effects of peer orientation, but the child does need to feel attached to the adult caring for him. He needs to feel at home, and connected. The adult in charge needs to foster a connection with the child that gets beyond his discomfort level (shyness).

Spending lots of time with other kids doesn't teach kids to get along. "If socializing were the key to socialization, gang members and street kids would be the model citizens." The truth is, attachment to adults and genuine maturity is necessary for real socialization. "Social integration means much more than simply fitting in or getting along; true socialization requires not only a mixing with others but a mixing without losing one's separateness or identity."

How important are peers for kids? What is a friend? A true friend would respect our individuality and boundaries, and support our personal growth. Kids aren't mature enough to be real friends - they need to be attached to adults until they reach that level of maturity where they can have real friendships. Kids benefit more and experience more personal growth/maturity from time spent with adults than time spent with peers. Children also need time alone to reflect and learn to be their own friend.

Pacifying a bored child with peer time is like giving a hungry baby a pacifier instead of feeding him. It works temporarily, but it doesn't help the child address the real issue. Boredom is a sign that the child lacks curiosity, creativity and his own resources. He craves stimulation from outside himself to entertain him. Children need to learn to fill that void within themselves with their own interests, ideas, momentum. A fix from the outside will only be a temporary solution that exacerbates the problem, which is a problem with the child himself. Instead of sending our bored child off to seek friends to ease the void, we should encourage him to seek us, and to build his own inner resources.

Kids should have friends, but their friends should be within "the context of strong adult attachments." We should let them be with peers sometimes, but understand that peer time is merely fun, not truly helpful in helping the child to mature or be better adjusted. We should limit peer time - if kids are in school full time, they shouldn't spend evenings and weekends with friends as well. Their friends should be from families who share/support our values and reinforce the concept of family time. We shouldn't let their peer time be spent with technology/TV/electronic games - they should have free, imaginative play.

We shouldn't try to change eccentric or different kids by letting them spend more time with peers. That might force them to conform, but it would be better to value and protect their unique individuality.

What about only children? Parents need to remember that superficial peers can't take the place of real siblings. Siblings share the same compass point and have a stronger bond. It would be better to find the child a surrogate family - his cousins, or a family who will be like a surrogate aunt or uncle to him. A peer group is no substitute for close ties and adult connections. Creative solitude is healthier for children's development than social play. Imaginative children can create their own playmates, with the parent as an attachment anchor from which to build a world in his imagination. Social play isn't always harmful, but it can't meet the child's deepest needs. And, considering the detriments - the risk of increased aggression, disregard for authority, emotional hardening - it isn't something to seek urgently, either.

We should encourage and seek attachments to other adults who are interested in our children. We need other adults to help us parent our children by befriending our kids. We should start by using "attachment parenting" - carrying our infants, keeping them with us, allowing them to be dependent. If we have to work, we need to find surrogate parents for our kids that they can connect with and attach to, not just daycare workers. We should seek to get our kids attached to adults/mentors instead of other kids.

We can defuse the power of peer orientation by making friends with our kids' peers. This interjects some adult influence into a peer group that might prefer to pretend adults didn't exist. Our kids' peers should have a relationship with us as well as our kids, and they should have to acknowledge the same greeting rituals with us as everyone else. Don't let the peer group pressure you to be invisible. Befriend the peers' parents. Try to create a connected community with your child's peers that includes entire families.