Madame de Stael's Father

From Mistress to an Age by J. Christopher Herold, 1958Monsieur Necker made himself useful to the King of France, got in some trouble, got out of it . . . here's a quote:

He was by no means a fool, and in some ways he was ahead of his time. His realization that France was rich, that only the government was poor, and that credit was the heart of prosperity--these certainly are ideas that have gained some currency in our times; but his lucidity was balanced by his blindness to the need of taxation, without which the credit was bound to collapse--as indeed it did, burying Europe in its ruins. His opposition to the laissez-faire doctrine, to Turgot's Panglossian notion that 'the general well-being is the result of the efforts of each individual to further his own interests,' was based not on a study of economics, of which he knew little, but on considerations of social justice. Government regulation, he insisted, was necessary to protect the people against lawless exploitation, and in the conclusion to his book on the 'Commerce of Grains' he echoed Rousseau's 'Second Discourse:'

It seems that a small number of men, after dividing up the earth among themselves, have created laws for their common protection against the masses . . . And yet, it must be said that after the establishment of laws to safeguard property, justice, and liberty, almost nothing has been done as yet for the most numerous class of citizens. 'What do the laws of property mean to us?' they well might ask. 'We owe nothing. Your justice? We have nothing to defend. Your liberty? If we do not work tomorrow, we die.'

(This would have been 1781-89)

The Education of Madame de Stael

Tim took me on a tour of his college, including the library, and I found a really interesting book: Mistress to an Age: A Life of Madame de Stael by J. Christopher Herold, 1958. I've seen her name come up in CM's books and PR articles, so, naturally, I was intrigued. I was able to get a library card and check out the book.

Madame de Stael's first name was Germaine, and she was an only child. Her mother (Madame Suzanne Necker) was enamored of Rousseau's ideas and kept Germaine home to educate her herself. Here's a quote from the book. Sorry for the lack of caps - my fingers are tired, I'll go back and fix them later.

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Madame Necker, by some astounding feat of self-delusion, imagined that she was bringing up her daughter according to the teachings of rousseau--'like emile,' she wrote. a greater contrast than the education rousseau prescribed for emile and the education germaine received from her mother would be difficult to imagine.

rousseau, it may be recalled, had emile brought up in the country, isolated from the corrupting influences of society. germaine spent her childhood in a drawing room in the middle of paris. emile's tutor avoided any kind of formal instruction, seeking instead to let his pupil learn only through direct experience and guiding him in the spontaneous development of his natural gifts. 'for madame necker, all education consisted in instruction,' we are told. 'she taught mademoiselle necker latin and english, and she made her copy long extracts from books; but she never spent one hour alone with her in familiar conversation.

emile had not yet learned to read when germaine had read a whole library. emile's tutor reserved the idea of god for the end of his pupil's education; germaine learned her catechism before she was three. emile did not know of the existence of women until he was an adolescent; germaine had listened to discussions of love from infancy on.

emile's body was made strong and healthy by open air and exercise; knowledge and love of nature were the only discipline in his curriculum; and nature was his only textbook. 'the education of mademoiselle necker,' a childhood friend reminisced, 'was directed entirely toward the development of the mind. exercise, walks, everything that pleases and fortifies children did not in the least enter into madame necker's plans. and so her daughter knew how to dance, but not how to run. she recited thomson's 'seasons' but could not tell a hyacinth from a tubarose.'

there is one more striking contrast between germaine's education and emile's. rousseau had emile brought up not merely in solitude but away from his parents. 'oh, emile hadn't any father,' he said to boswell. 'he didn't exist.' he knew, of course, that emile's education was an ideal model rather than a practical possibility; but surely there is a middle ground between being brought up without parents and being, in a sense, married to them, as germaine was. her emotional involvement with her mother and father was the most decisive factor in her formation.

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the result of this education: germaine was starved for affection, because her mother's duty forbid her from showing affection. germaine thought her mother was dull and moralizing. she satisfied her craving for excitement with novels and plays, mostly sentimental. she faked coughing spells and fainted to get her mother's attention. a doctor diagnosed nerves and recommended rest, no exertion. So germaine's education ended at age thirteen, with her and her mother at odds.

A Hobbit Birthday

We're going to be having a cake to celebrate Bilbo's and Frodo's birthday, as we've done the last few years.

Miss M is very excited, and very chatty about the whole thing. She asked if they would be coming over here to blow out the candles, or if we're going to their house. When we explained that they're creatures with furry feet ("like horses?") and that they lived in Middle Earth, she was suddenly an expert. "Oh, hobbits. Yes, they're friendly, they're very friendly to people, and they love to shake hands. They especially like girls. They died . . . fifteen weeks ago. They have sharp hands. And they're this big . . ."

A product of the day's work

Although it's not really fair to call it work, because it's a lot of fun. Today in photography class we made prints from our negatives. This is a crop from one of mine. (The full size is a much larger version of the same crop.)

I have seen this light before--

It's not really autumn yet, but there are hints of it all over. The wind is coming back after a long, quiet summer; we've had days of soft, steady rain without thunder or lightning; and in the evenings sometimes the light touches the leaves with gold. So, as my mind follows the mood of the season, things that I've read and enjoyed in the past have been coming to memory. Like the Chronicles of Narnia (which it's really been far too long since I read). Or like this poem, which Fa-So-La-La (over at the Beehive) wrote a couple of years ago. (Whence comes my post title, by the way.)

It was rather strange tonight. For once, midnight came around and I didn't still have homework to do. Last week I had my first exams--Humanities, Bible, and Speech--and I spent extra time doing review for those. None of them were as hard as I feared, but I'm glad to have them over with.

P.S. This week the Humanities class is starting to read Greek tragedies. First will be Prometheus Bound (Aeschylus) and then we'll be doing Oedipus Rex and Antigone.

J's Violin Concert

J had an outdoor violin concert/recital today. Sorry I can't post any video or audio, but here are a couple of pictures.

Nature Day at our CM Co-op

Our local CM mom's group started a weekly co-op. It's a combination play-group, field trip, nature study - the week's activities rotate.

Yesterday was Nature Day at a local forested area.

This is a very pretty weed that grew in the shade of the trees. The leaves are heart-shaped and the flowers look like little stars among the leaves.



And here's L and Miss M recording in their nature notebooks.

Palin Posts

One thing about McCain's running mate - she's made the blog world very interesting this week! I keep waiting to hear more about her before I make up my mind, but so far I'm really pleased with her - I wish I could write her in when I vote instead of voting for McCain or Obama. I haven't decided exactly what I'll do.

I've been following (and agreeing with) posts at The Common Room about the media's double standard regarding Palin and Obama. I won't link to any individual ones, they're all good.

I also liked Katie's post about the criticism of Palin for being a working mother. Her post about the nature of government was good, too. Consent of the Governed also posted about Palin reviving the debate about working mothers.

And then, there's this really funny piece (really, really funny!) at The Free Republic.

Preventing Peer Orientation

Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D.

Part V - Preventing Peer Orientation

This is the final section of the book, and contains two chapters. I found it hard not to just quote the entire thing, because it expresses one of my main reasons for homeschooling (although the author never says that homeschooling is a solution, or is even necessary.) It's also the reason why, as a homeschooler, I've resisted involvement in church youth groups, Little League, Scouts, to make up for lost socialization time - although it was just a nebulous, niggling feeling in my mind; this is the first time I've seen my vague reasons spelled out clearly.

So, now I have a Parental Must-Read list. I think every new parent ought to read Baby Matters by Linda Folden Palmer when their baby is an infant to explain how early parenting impacts the child later, and then Endangered Minds by Jane Healy when their child is a toddler to explain what their child's brain really needs, and then this book, Hold On To Your Kids, when their child is old enough for the parent to wonder whether their child should be enrolled in a playgroup or preschool for socialization. Perhaps these would make good baby shower gifts?

On to the book . . .

Peer orientation is like a Trojan Horse. It's perceived as a wonderful thing to be sought after, but it can set the stage for disaster because it's a threat to the parent/child attachment.

At first, peers free us up from our kids' demands, and our kids seem so happy, so social; they even seem happy and comfortable at school. But, ultimately, peers make kids strive to learn only enough to keep them from standing out. Preschool kids who are secure with peers from an early age "may have the best head start, but homeschooled kids have the best finish" because they aren't afraid to stand out by excelling.

Shyness indicates attachment - a child attached to adults will be shy and less cool around kids, but a peer oriented child will be the opposite: shy around adults and comfortable enough to fit in with other kids. Unfortunately, real social skills - kindness, consideration, caring - are learned from adults, not from being cool with peers.

Daycare puts toddlers under constant, chronic stress as it imposes people on the child that he doesn't feel at home with. The longer kids are in day care, the more often they sneak. talk back, have tantrums, and hit/fight. It isn't necessary to keep kids home to prevent the bad effects of peer orientation, but the child does need to feel attached to the adult caring for him. He needs to feel at home, and connected. The adult in charge needs to foster a connection with the child that gets beyond his discomfort level (shyness).

Spending lots of time with other kids doesn't teach kids to get along. "If socializing were the key to socialization, gang members and street kids would be the model citizens." The truth is, attachment to adults and genuine maturity is necessary for real socialization. "Social integration means much more than simply fitting in or getting along; true socialization requires not only a mixing with others but a mixing without losing one's separateness or identity."

How important are peers for kids? What is a friend? A true friend would respect our individuality and boundaries, and support our personal growth. Kids aren't mature enough to be real friends - they need to be attached to adults until they reach that level of maturity where they can have real friendships. Kids benefit more and experience more personal growth/maturity from time spent with adults than time spent with peers. Children also need time alone to reflect and learn to be their own friend.

Pacifying a bored child with peer time is like giving a hungry baby a pacifier instead of feeding him. It works temporarily, but it doesn't help the child address the real issue. Boredom is a sign that the child lacks curiosity, creativity and his own resources. He craves stimulation from outside himself to entertain him. Children need to learn to fill that void within themselves with their own interests, ideas, momentum. A fix from the outside will only be a temporary solution that exacerbates the problem, which is a problem with the child himself. Instead of sending our bored child off to seek friends to ease the void, we should encourage him to seek us, and to build his own inner resources.

Kids should have friends, but their friends should be within "the context of strong adult attachments." We should let them be with peers sometimes, but understand that peer time is merely fun, not truly helpful in helping the child to mature or be better adjusted. We should limit peer time - if kids are in school full time, they shouldn't spend evenings and weekends with friends as well. Their friends should be from families who share/support our values and reinforce the concept of family time. We shouldn't let their peer time be spent with technology/TV/electronic games - they should have free, imaginative play.

We shouldn't try to change eccentric or different kids by letting them spend more time with peers. That might force them to conform, but it would be better to value and protect their unique individuality.

What about only children? Parents need to remember that superficial peers can't take the place of real siblings. Siblings share the same compass point and have a stronger bond. It would be better to find the child a surrogate family - his cousins, or a family who will be like a surrogate aunt or uncle to him. A peer group is no substitute for close ties and adult connections. Creative solitude is healthier for children's development than social play. Imaginative children can create their own playmates, with the parent as an attachment anchor from which to build a world in his imagination. Social play isn't always harmful, but it can't meet the child's deepest needs. And, considering the detriments - the risk of increased aggression, disregard for authority, emotional hardening - it isn't something to seek urgently, either.

We should encourage and seek attachments to other adults who are interested in our children. We need other adults to help us parent our children by befriending our kids. We should start by using "attachment parenting" - carrying our infants, keeping them with us, allowing them to be dependent. If we have to work, we need to find surrogate parents for our kids that they can connect with and attach to, not just daycare workers. We should seek to get our kids attached to adults/mentors instead of other kids.

We can defuse the power of peer orientation by making friends with our kids' peers. This interjects some adult influence into a peer group that might prefer to pretend adults didn't exist. Our kids' peers should have a relationship with us as well as our kids, and they should have to acknowledge the same greeting rituals with us as everyone else. Don't let the peer group pressure you to be invisible. Befriend the peers' parents. Try to create a connected community with your child's peers that includes entire families.

How to Hold On To Our Kids, or How to Reclaim Them

Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D.

Part IV - How to Hold On To Our Kids, or How to Reclaim Them

Three chapters here, including a chapter about discipline.

Attachment involves four basics:

- Get their attention and a friendly response. With babies, we'll do anything to make them smile, but when they get older, we tend to get their attention only when we need to correct them, and, later, not at all. Make it a habit to use a friendly greeting that includes eye contact and a smile to establish a connection.

- Offer something to attach to. With babies, we offer a finger for them to grasp. Hugs, something we have in common, or a shared interest work with older children. It must be an unexpected gift, an invitation to connect with us. Praise, which is conditional, doesn't count.

- Invite dependence without forcing your help. With babies, we hold out our arms as an offer to pick them up. Don't push children to be independent, but don't jump in to help without asking. It will be seen as interfering. Children are created to mature towards independence; we needn't fear that allowing them to depend on us will prevent them from growing up.

- Act as the child's compass point. With babies, we carry them around and talk to them, explaining what they're seeing. With older children, tell them what's going on, who's who, what's going to happen, what to expect. Inform, introduce, be a guide. Peer culture makes adults feel lost, but teen confidence is deceptive - they're more lost than they let on.

Children who are already lost to peer culture can still be won back. We can invite and entice, although it's up to the child to respond. We can't force it. But be encouraged: even the most hardened, hostile teen needs a nurturing parent, and needs to be parented in order to truly grow up. Separating children from peers in order to create an attachment void is necessary. Restrict peer time, and be there yourself instead. Weekend excursions, family vacations, even grounding can provide opportunities to connect in a positive way.

Make the relationship a priority, and reinforce how much you love your child when he needs it most (and deserves it least). As parents, our first priority should be the attachment. Next should be the child's long-term maturing process, and society's behavioral expectations should come after that.

When our kids reject us, it's easy to give up and resign them to their peers. But our kids interpret that as abandonment. If tough love is necessary, it's better to provide a place for the child to go - a relative, or a good school. Kids are all different. Some need hugs, some need loyalty, some need time, some need to be understood - know your child's 'love language.' Become close and intimate with your child. Remember, peer groups rarely open up to each other or allow themselves to be vulnerable to each other. Find an activity that invites conversation. "A child who feels known and understood is not likely to be satisfied with the poorer fare that peer orientation offers."

Limit TV/phone/computer time, and time with peers. Protect family time, family outings, meals together, bedtime rituals, walking together. Plan things to do together to interfere with peer-bonding times. Encourage friends whose families cherish their family time. Peer-addicted kids will protest vehemently when we come between them and their peer group, but it's for their own good. Use the time away from peers to court your child back to you.

Discipline should teach and train without putting distance in the attachment relationship, and driving our kids towards peers. Use the "Seven Disciplines for Parents:"

1. Use connection, not separation. Time-out can be interpreted as abandonment, making the child insecure so that he promises to be good out of fear of loss. Eventually, the child will shut us out and move towards peers. Separation triggers detachment in the child.

2. When there are problems, work on the relationship rather than the behavior or incident, especially when the child is mad and tries to push our buttons. 'Teaching the kid a lesson' won't work in these situations.

3. Try to turn frustration into sadness of resignation instead of using it to 'teach a lesson.' Kids need to learn to accept disappointment and adapt.

4. Value good intentions (heart) over desired actions (behavior). It needs to be the child who chooses to do right, not us forcing him.

5. Impulsive behavior can't be cured by telling/nagging a child to stop. Children need to reflect and think through what they do and learn to temper their impulses, so try to make them conscious of what they're doing.

6. Help impulsive children by scripting and modeling the proper behavior. Give cues. Explain how to do what he needs to do; walk him through the steps and show him what it looks like.

7. If you can't change the child, change his world. Reduce his frustration when possible. This should be a last resort, because children need to learn to do right rather than expecting the world to conform to them.

Next: Preventing Peer Orientation