Socialization Snobs

I saw this article at HomeschoolBuzz.com.

"Homeschooling allows us to be socialization snobs. We can filter out kids whose behavior offends us. We don't discriminate on the basis of race, creed, nation of origin, or other such nonsense. No, we discriminate on the basis of morals. If your kid insists on talking about the number of boys she slept with in the last month, I really don't want her around my kid. Call me fussy." Read the rest of the post here.

Fireworks

Happy 4th, everybody!

How Does a Poem Mean? ch 1

I started this book with Tim and J yesterday. I'm just going to say a teensy bit about it because I think that to do any more would be more work than I need.

John Ciardi says that a poem isn't about what it means; poets don't write poems because they have something to say. People who put a message into rhyme usually end up writing doggerel. Poets write poems because they like to play with words. And people by nature enjoy tackling challenges, so poets like to the challenge of working within the framework of poetic style. Their playing with words might be likened to a juggler. The more difficult he makes it by juggling more balls, the more pleased he is with himself, and the easier he makes it look, the more people will enjoy watching him. A poet enjoys seeing how he fit words into a difficult set of parameters. And the more smoothly he can make it work, the more his poetry is enjoyed by others.

Good poems often go from specific details to something bigger, and the best poems do it seamlessly. Ciardi uses Rober Frost's poems Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Eve to show this. Robert Frost starts with a specific snowfall in a specific woods, but ends with a broader context ("...miles to go before I sleep.") If asked what he meant by that, he doesn't exactly know, because it wasn't written to say something specific. Yet through Frost's mastery of words, it elicits a feeling in those who read it.

That's why the book is called "How" does a poem mean, because the art is how words are used more than the precise, direct meaning of the poem.

Pride and Prejudice Reading Schedule

My friend Ginger and I finished Jane Eyre this week (my other friend finished weeks ago!). So far, the books we've read have been Sense and Sensibility, Emma, and Jane Eyre.

Today we start Pride and Prejudice. The best schedule seems to be one chapter per day, six days a week. It's manageable, and if anyone falls behind, it's easy to catch up on a weekend.

Pride and Prejudice reading schedule for Jul-Aug 2008

Jul 2-5: Ch. 1-4
Jul 6-12: Ch. 5-10
Jul 13-19: Ch. 11-16
Jul 20-26: Ch. 17-22
Jul 27-Aug 7: Ch. 23-28
Aug 3-9: Ch. 29-34
Aug 10-16: Ch. 35-40
Aug 17-23: Ch. 41-46
Aug 24-30: Ch. 47-52
Sept 1-6: Ch. 53-58
Sept 7-13: Ch. 59-62

Van Loon's Lives

Tim and I are going to read this over the summer. It looks like a fun book and I've been waiting for years to finally read it. Van Loon gives these dinner parties and invites famous people from history - usually two at a time. And then he writes about what happened. Here's the contents; the descriptions of each chapter are funny, but I only typed in the guests.

Van Loon's Lives

1. Desiderius Erasmus pg. 3
2. William the Silent and George Washington pg. 68
3. Sir Thomas More and Desiderius Erasmus pg. 128
4. Bach's and Breughels pg. 141
5. Cervantes, Shakespeare, Moliere pg. 162
6. Archbishops of Bithynia and Cyrenaica pg. 216
7. Cartes and Emerson pg. 244
8. Empress Theodora and Queen Elizabeth pg. 296
9. Robespierre and Torquemada pg. 356
10. Buddha pg. 429
11. Saint Francis, Hans Christian Andersen and Mozart pg. 431
12. Beethoven and Napoleon pg. 475
13. The Greatest Inventor of All Time pg. 525
14. Plato and Confucius pg. 532
15. Peter the Great, Charles XII of Sweden and Voltaire pg. 577
16. Dante and Leonardo da Vinci pg. 629
17. Montaigne and Rabelais pg. 671
18. Emily Dickinson and Chopin pg. 731
19. Lost Children of History and Benjamin Franklin pg. 767
20. Fridtjof Nansen, Jakob van Heemskerk, Willem Barents and Surgeon de Veer pg. 799
21. Thomas Jefferson pg. 855

Unconditional Parenting: The Child's Perspective (and CM)

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

This is the last post I'll be posting about this book - because it's the last chapter. As I was reading it with Tim, I kept stopping to exclaim, "That sounds so much like Charlotte Mason!" or "That's just what what Charlotte Mason said!" So, included in my posts directly about Alfie Kohn's chapter from Unconditional Parenting, I've interspersed my own comments with quotes from Charlotte Mason's books, using my modern English paraphrase. ;)

10. The Child's Perspective

This is how Alfie Kohn begins chapter ten:

"How do we raise our children to be happy? That's an important question, but here's another one: How do we raise our children to be concerned about whether other people are happy?

"It's important that we don't allow the first issue to upstage the second--or, for that matter, that we don't spend more energy trying to get kids to be polite and well behaved than on trying to help them become genuinely compassionate and committed to doing the right thing. We need to focus on our children's moral development.

"To do so is to recast various ideas that are discussed in other parenting books. For example, 'boundaries' and 'limits' are usually thought of as restrictions that adults impose on children. But shouldn't our goal be for the children to refrain from doing certain things not because we've forbidden them, but just because they're wrong? The limits on kids' behavior, in other words, should be experienced as intrinsic to the situation. We want them to ask, 'How will doing x make that other kid feel?'--not 'Am I allowed to x?' or 'Will I get in trouble for doing x?'

"This is an ambitious goal, but not an unrealistic one because we have good material to work with. Human beings are born with the capacity to care. Thus, parents hoping to raise a child who is responsive to the needs of others already have 'an allay within the child,' as Martin Hoffman once put it.

"Of course, that doesn't mean that kids will automatically grow into ethical people if left to their own devices. They need our help. To begin with, they need us to stop doing things that interfere with moral growth, things like punishments and rewards, which are rooted in--and underscore a child's preoccupation with--self-interest. The elimination of these staples of traditional discipline is an important step toward helping children become attuned to the well-being of others. But it's only a single step. The subtraction of bad parenting practices must be accompanied by the addition of good ones."

____________________________

I included that whole quote because it really sums up the whole why of unconditional parenting, and because it sounds so much like what Charlotte Mason was saying. Kohn wrote, "...we have good material to work with. Human beings are born with the capacity to care." This goes along with the second of Charlotte Mason's 20 Principles (Children "are not born either good or bad, but with possibilities for good and for evil.") Because children are fully Persons made in God's image, they have within them the capacity to care. (CM talks about the noble riches born in each person's heart in Vol. 4, Book 1, pg 96). As parents and teachers, we aren't trying to force something in them that's foreign to them, or create something in them they weren't born with. We're nurturing and working with something that's already there. "Chivalry, honor, tact, obedience, and passionate obedience to God's law--these are the chords within the child that we need to play on if we want our youths to be pure. But we have to believe that chivalry and purity are already there within them, rather than foreign concepts that we need to introduce with lectures." (CM's Volume 5, pg 397, modern paraphrase)

From Alfie Kohn's quote: "To begin with, they need us to stop doing things that interfere with moral growth." This reminds me of Charlotte Mason saying parental authority that appears arbitrary "offends" the child, who needs to learn to do what he should because it's right; a child needs to see his parents enforcing rules simply because they're right for everyone. "Authority isn't harsh or indulgent. She is gentle, and easy to reason with about nonessential matters--because she's uncompromising when it comes to matters of real importance. For those matters, there's always an established principle." (Volume 3, pg 17, modern paraphrase) "Authority tries not to offend . . . wise parents will find a balance. . . In the unusual event that requires a new regulation, they might casually comment on the reason for doing so, but if that's not convenient or possible, they don't mind resorting to the most important reason for obedience: 'because it's the right thing to do.' To put it plainly, authority tries its best not to give reason for offense." (Vol 3 pg 22, modern paraphrase) Charlotte Mason talks more about teaching morality in Volume 1, pages 13-16.

Alfie Kohn lists ways to raise moral kids.

1. Care about them by developing trust through attachment and respect. By meeting the child's basic needs for love, nurture, warmth from the beginning, they aren't preoccupied with meeting those needs and can be free to focus on others. This echoes studies that show that infant attachment parenting builds trust that carries into later life, and prevents problems that some adults face because they're still dealing with unmet needs for closeness.

2. Show children how a moral person lives - no, silly, this doesn't mean introducing them to the upstanding citizen who lives down the street. :) Model morality for them, and let them watch and listen as you grapple with issues so they can see how it's done, and so they can see that it's not always easy or black-and-white.

3. Let them practice - Give them opportunities to work with others to solve problems, or be responsible and caring--by looking out for their little sister or taking care of a pet. (I think Charlotte Mason's concept of "masterly inactivity" would fit here.)

4. Talk with them - guide and explain; discuss. CM stressed this, and thought that meals around the dinner table provided an excellent opportunity for this. Alfie Kohn writes, "We need to establish clear moral guidelines, to be explicit about what we expect, but in a way that minimizes coercion. Yes, there has to be some force behind what we say to them (about how other people should, and shouldn't, be treated), but it's important that force itself doesn't become the message." Charlotte Mason said the same thing: "He's free to do what he should, but in his deepest heart, he knows very well that he's not free to do what he shouldn't. . . He needs to be treated with full confidence, and he must feel like choosing the right thing is his own free choice that his parents trust him to make. But he must also be aware of a deterring force in the background that's always alert and ready to hinder him when he wants to makes the wrong choice." (Volume 3 pg 32, modern paraphrase) When debating an issue (such as when a child tries to make a case for staying up late), respond to what your child means, even if he can't articulate it very well. In fact, help him out. Articulate his position for him, trying to nail down the real issue and his real concern, to demonstrate how to word his opinion, and to show that you understand his point of view. You don't have to agree, but you want to let your kids know that they don't have to be good at rhetoric for you to respect their opinions.

Perspective

The section on being able to see things from someone else's perspective sounded very CM. Kohn says that we want children to be able to see things from another person's point of view. This requires imagination. CM agreed, and used living books as one way of getting children to picture life from someone else's vantage point, to bring home the concept that other people, whether down the street or in other cultures and times, feel the same things they do. This kind of imagination was important to CM as a way to develop compassion. She wrote that the child, with proper teaching, will "be able to put himself in someone else's shoes without anyone suggesting it. He'll judge others in the same way he'd like to be judged himself" (Volume 5, pg 208, modern paraphrase). Alfie Kohn says we need to nurture and encourage this in children, although he never mentions using books to nurture this ability. Children need to understand that decent people can come to very different conclusions and have different opinions than we do--CM also said this; she faulted the fallibility of Reason. "But if two equally intelligent and equally good people are passionately convinced by their Reason of two things exactly opposite, then their Reason can't both be infallible. At least one of them has to be wrong. Perhaps one of them believes that a certain war is the duty of his country, and the other believes that the war is a crime. They can't both be right. Since all men (unless they're idiots or insane) have this same ability to Reason, then we can only conclude that Reason is not infallible. Not all final conclusions are correct. It all depends on the notion from which the reasoning began." (Volume 4, Book 1, pg pg 62) CM talks more about the fallibility of Reason in Volume 4, Book 2, pg 58 and pg 76.

Perspective means that when a grocery store clerk is rude to us, we won't react in anger, or wonder what we did wrong. It isn't about us! Instead, we'll wonder what made the clerk so moody--we'll show understanding and compassion. CM said something similar. "People who have Goodwill understand that glaring faults and annoying habits don't make up the real person any more than sun spots make up the sun itself. Therefore, it's not difficult to put up with his faults." (Vol 4, Book 1 pg 92, moden paraphrase), and, "He won't assume negative intent, or quickly accuse someone else of unworthy behavior. He'll be fair in assessing other people's conduct, character and reputation. . . His good-will and kindness won't only reach out to the needs of others, but will also result in patience when others are irritable, and nobleness in forgiving others when they offend him." (Volume 5, pg 208, modern paraphrase)

As parents, we need to remember our own perspective, and try to see things from our child's perspective. If you were a child and someone told you what you just told your child, how would it feel? This makes us more apt to figure out what's really going on with our child, more observant of their moods, and more effective at responding to them. And this will help us in our journey to be unconditional parents.

I'll end with a quote from Charlotte Mason about her perspective of the child: "The child is a human being. He may be immature, but, still, he might represent a human being at his best. Who among us adults has such gifts of seeing, knowing, understanding, imagining, and such capabilities to love, give and believe as the 'little child in the midst'? The highest praise that we can give to the wisest and best among us is that they're as fresh and quick in their interests and passions as a little child." (Volume 2, pg 205, modern paraphrase)

For the other posts in this series, click here.

Unconditional Parenting: 9. Choices for Children

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

9. Choices for Children

Nobody likes to have everything about their life decided for them and dictated to them. Children should be allowed to choose how to live their lives as much as possible, and they should be allowed to help come up with solutions about issues that affect them. Explain and discuss, but let them have the final say whenever you can. It's not always possible, but inviting them to have a say and honestly considering their opinion tells them that you care. Unconditional parenting means working with the child, not forcing all your arbitrary decisions on them. It also doesn't mean leaving them to do whatever they want (that's neglect, not parenting). Unconditional parenting requires a high level of parental involvement.

Labelling punishments as a choice is unfair: "You chose a time-out by breaking the rule" So is calling it choice when there's only one real option: "Do you want to wash dishes now, or during your favorite TV show?"

Sometimes it isn't possible to give children a choice. When a decision has to be made for them and they resist, use the least intrusive method of getting them to comply. Be honest about the decision, and explain why they have to do it this way. Make it fun if you can. Let them see you accept unpleasant realities of life with grace. And let them make choices that affect their lives whenever it's feasible.

Unconditional Parenting: 8. Love Without Strings Attached

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

8. Love Without Strings Attached

This one is shorter because I found it less inspiring (it's old news to me) and I really want to get to chapter ten.



A How-to list that includes limiting the number, intensity, and scope of your criticisms and looking for alternatives to criticism. Our goal shouldn't be making a child feel rotten about himself (because now he's thinking about himself, rather than others who hisbehavior affects). Ideally, simply drawing a child's attention to the way his actions made someone else feel should be enough to make the point.

The most important part of this chapter explained why praising good behavior backfires. The gist is that, "When unconditional love and genuine enthusiasm are always present, 'Good job!' isn't necessary; when they're absent, 'Good job!' won't help.' Praising kids for good behaviors puts the focus on themselves and how to earn another praise, instead of where it should be--on the person at the receiving end of that action. A parent may acknowledge and notice a kind act, but not make a judgement call on it, or on the child. Say "You set the table! That makes it easier for me!" instead of, "you're a good helper!" Or ask what the child thinks of his painting when he shows it to you instead of making a judgement of whether it's 'good.'

Children need to draw satisfactions from their actions themselves and not look to others to approve or validate them for doing right.

How to Fold a Note Into an Envelope

How to Fold a Note into an Envelope

I have an obsession with envelopes. I previously posted a link about how to fold a bus note.

Unconditional Parenting: 7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

This is the heart of the book. Kohn lays out principles instead of providing exact steps and scripts to successful unconditional parenting. Charlotte Mason did that with her book suggestions: instead of giving a list of titles, she wrote up some principles so that parents could pick their own books.

Unconditional parenting focuses on working with the child, not doing to the child. We shouldn't ask ourselves how to make our child do what we want, but what our child needs, and how we can meet those needs needs.

1. Be reflective - search out your own reasons for doing what you do, be honest about your motives.

2. Reconsider your requests - is what you're asking fair? Is it important enough in the grand scheme of things to enforce it?

3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals - if your goal is to raise responsible, caring, creative children - does your reaction to her spilled milk or loss of temper assist those goals?

4. Put the relationship first - Being right isn't always what's most important. It's more important to have an atmosphere of trust and respect between parent and child.

5. Change how you see, not just how you act - This kind of parenting is a totally different perspective, a new paradigm, for many people. Try to see issues as opportunities to teach, problems to work through together, instead of as infractions to punish.

6. Respect - Don't talk about your kids as if they aren't there. Don't insist they must be cold, or that it isn't anything to be upset about. Respect kids enough to accept that they don't need us to tell them how they feel.

7. Be Authentic - be transparent, apologize if you're wrong. Don't be afraid of being knocked off your pedestal.

8. Talk less, ask more - Instead of demanding and then punishing the child for not complying, find out *why* they aren't complying. They may have a valid reason. Ask open-ended questions, not questions that require your pre-determined answer, such as, "what do you say when you bump your sister?"

9. Keep their ages in mind - remember that children may not be developmentally capable of being still, or being quiet, or whatever you're asking.

10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts - don't assume a child bumped his sister on purpose. Ask questions, find out *why* the child did what he did.

11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily - Maybe your child really can climb the stairs by himself. Why not let him try? Reflect and see if you can say 'yes' before you automatically say no.

12. Don't be rigid - Decide each situation on its own merit. Surprise your kids sometimes with a treat.

13. Don't be in a hurry - Rearrange your routine so that you're not constantly stressed about time - shop when you have time to let your child look around, get up earlier so there's less rush to get him out the door. This is especially true with toddlers.