Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn
This is the last post I'll be posting about this book - because it's the last chapter. As I was reading it with Tim, I kept stopping to exclaim, "That sounds so much like Charlotte Mason!" or "That's just what what Charlotte Mason said!" So, included in my posts directly about Alfie Kohn's chapter from Unconditional Parenting, I've interspersed my own comments with quotes from Charlotte Mason's books, using my modern English paraphrase. ;)
10. The Child's Perspective
This is how Alfie Kohn begins chapter ten:
"How do we raise our children to be happy? That's an important question, but here's another one: How do we raise our children to be concerned about whether other people are happy?
"It's important that we don't allow the first issue to upstage the second--or, for that matter, that we don't spend more energy trying to get kids to be polite and well behaved than on trying to help them become genuinely compassionate and committed to doing the right thing. We need to focus on our children's moral development.
"To do so is to recast various ideas that are discussed in other parenting books. For example, 'boundaries' and 'limits' are usually thought of as restrictions that adults impose on children. But shouldn't our goal be for the children to refrain from doing certain things not because we've forbidden them, but just because they're wrong? The limits on kids' behavior, in other words, should be experienced as intrinsic to the situation. We want them to ask, 'How will doing x make that other kid feel?'--not 'Am I allowed to x?' or 'Will I get in trouble for doing x?'
"This is an ambitious goal, but not an unrealistic one because we have good material to work with. Human beings are born with the capacity to care. Thus, parents hoping to raise a child who is responsive to the needs of others already have 'an allay within the child,' as Martin Hoffman once put it.
"Of course, that doesn't mean that kids will automatically grow into ethical people if left to their own devices. They need our help. To begin with, they need us to stop doing things that interfere with moral growth, things like punishments and rewards, which are rooted in--and underscore a child's preoccupation with--self-interest. The elimination of these staples of traditional discipline is an important step toward helping children become attuned to the well-being of others. But it's only a single step. The subtraction of bad parenting practices must be accompanied by the addition of good ones."
I included that whole quote because it really sums up the whole why of unconditional parenting, and because it sounds so much like what Charlotte Mason was saying. Kohn wrote, "...we have good material to work with. Human beings are born with the capacity to care." This goes along with the second of Charlotte Mason's 20 Principles (Children "are not born either good or bad, but with possibilities for good and for evil.") Because children are fully Persons made in God's image, they have within them the capacity to care. (CM talks about the noble riches born in each person's heart in Vol. 4, Book 1, pg 96). As parents and teachers, we aren't trying to force something in them that's foreign to them, or create something in them they weren't born with. We're nurturing and working with something that's already there. "Chivalry, honor, tact, obedience, and passionate obedience to God's law--these are the chords within the child that we need to play on if we want our youths to be pure. But we have to believe that chivalry and purity are already there within them, rather than foreign concepts that we need to introduce with lectures." (CM's Volume 5, pg 397, modern paraphrase)
From Alfie Kohn's quote: "To begin with, they need us to stop doing things that interfere with moral growth." This reminds me of Charlotte Mason saying parental authority that appears arbitrary "offends" the child, who needs to learn to do what he should because it's right; a child needs to see his parents enforcing rules simply because they're right for everyone. "Authority isn't harsh or indulgent. She is gentle, and easy to reason with about nonessential matters--because she's uncompromising when it comes to matters of real importance. For those matters, there's always an established principle." (Volume 3, pg 17, modern paraphrase) "Authority tries not to offend . . . wise parents will find a balance. . . In the unusual event that requires a new regulation, they might casually comment on the reason for doing so, but if that's not convenient or possible, they don't mind resorting to the most important reason for obedience: 'because it's the right thing to do.' To put it plainly, authority tries its best not to give reason for offense." (Vol 3 pg 22, modern paraphrase) Charlotte Mason talks more about teaching morality in Volume 1, pages 13-16.
Alfie Kohn lists ways to raise moral kids.
1. Care about them by developing trust through attachment and respect. By meeting the child's basic needs for love, nurture, warmth from the beginning, they aren't preoccupied with meeting those needs and can be free to focus on others. This echoes studies that show that infant attachment parenting builds trust that carries into later life, and prevents problems that some adults face because they're still dealing with unmet needs for closeness.
2. Show children how a moral person lives - no, silly, this doesn't mean introducing them to the upstanding citizen who lives down the street. :) Model morality for them, and let them watch and listen as you grapple with issues so they can see how it's done, and so they can see that it's not always easy or black-and-white.
3. Let them practice - Give them opportunities to work with others to solve problems, or be responsible and caring--by looking out for their little sister or taking care of a pet. (I think Charlotte Mason's concept of "masterly inactivity" would fit here.)
4. Talk with them - guide and explain; discuss. CM stressed this, and thought that meals around the dinner table provided an excellent opportunity for this. Alfie Kohn writes, "We need to establish clear moral guidelines, to be explicit about what we expect, but in a way that minimizes coercion. Yes, there has to be some force behind what we say to them (about how other people should, and shouldn't, be treated), but it's important that force itself doesn't become the message." Charlotte Mason said the same thing: "He's free to do what he should, but in his deepest heart, he knows very well that he's not free to do what he shouldn't. . . He needs to be treated with full confidence, and he must feel like choosing the right thing is his own free choice that his parents trust him to make. But he must also be aware of a deterring force in the background that's always alert and ready to hinder him when he wants to makes the wrong choice." (Volume 3 pg 32, modern paraphrase) When debating an issue (such as when a child tries to make a case for staying up late), respond to what your child means, even if he can't articulate it very well. In fact, help him out. Articulate his position for him, trying to nail down the real issue and his real concern, to demonstrate how to word his opinion, and to show that you understand his point of view. You don't have to agree, but you want to let your kids know that they don't have to be good at rhetoric for you to respect their opinions.
Perspective
The section on being able to see things from someone else's perspective sounded very CM. Kohn says that we want children to be able to see things from another person's point of view. This requires imagination. CM agreed, and used living books as one way of getting children to picture life from someone else's vantage point, to bring home the concept that other people, whether down the street or in other cultures and times, feel the same things they do. This kind of imagination was important to CM as a way to develop compassion. She wrote that the child, with proper teaching, will "be able to put himself in someone else's shoes without anyone suggesting it. He'll judge others in the same way he'd like to be judged himself" (Volume 5, pg 208, modern paraphrase). Alfie Kohn says we need to nurture and encourage this in children, although he never mentions using books to nurture this ability. Children need to understand that decent people can come to very different conclusions and have different opinions than we do--CM also said this; she faulted the fallibility of Reason. "But if two equally intelligent and equally good people are passionately convinced by their Reason of two things exactly opposite, then their Reason can't both be infallible. At least one of them has to be wrong. Perhaps one of them believes that a certain war is the duty of his country, and the other believes that the war is a crime. They can't both be right. Since all men (unless they're idiots or insane) have this same ability to Reason, then we can only conclude that Reason is not infallible. Not all final conclusions are correct. It all depends on the notion from which the reasoning began." (Volume 4, Book 1, pg pg 62) CM talks more about the fallibility of Reason in Volume 4, Book 2, pg 58 and pg 76.
Perspective means that when a grocery store clerk is rude to us, we won't react in anger, or wonder what we did wrong. It isn't about us! Instead, we'll wonder what made the clerk so moody--we'll show understanding and compassion. CM said something similar. "People who have Goodwill understand that glaring faults and annoying habits don't make up the real person any more than sun spots make up the sun itself. Therefore, it's not difficult to put up with his faults." (Vol 4, Book 1 pg 92, moden paraphrase), and, "He won't assume negative intent, or quickly accuse someone else of unworthy behavior. He'll be fair in assessing other people's conduct, character and reputation. . . His good-will and kindness won't only reach out to the needs of others, but will also result in patience when others are irritable, and nobleness in forgiving others when they offend him." (Volume 5, pg 208, modern paraphrase)
As parents, we need to remember our own perspective, and try to see things from our child's perspective. If you were a child and someone told you what you just told your child, how would it feel? This makes us more apt to figure out what's really going on with our child, more observant of their moods, and more effective at responding to them. And this will help us in our journey to be unconditional parents.
I'll end with a quote from Charlotte Mason about her perspective of the child: "The child is a human being. He may be immature, but, still, he might represent a human being at his best. Who among us adults has such gifts of seeing, knowing, understanding, imagining, and such capabilities to love, give and believe as the 'little child in the midst'? The highest praise that we can give to the wisest and best among us is that they're as fresh and quick in their interests and passions as a little child." (Volume 2, pg 205, modern paraphrase)
For the other posts in this series, click here.
