Unconditional Parenting: 9. Choices for Children

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

9. Choices for Children

Nobody likes to have everything about their life decided for them and dictated to them. Children should be allowed to choose how to live their lives as much as possible, and they should be allowed to help come up with solutions about issues that affect them. Explain and discuss, but let them have the final say whenever you can. It's not always possible, but inviting them to have a say and honestly considering their opinion tells them that you care. Unconditional parenting means working with the child, not forcing all your arbitrary decisions on them. It also doesn't mean leaving them to do whatever they want (that's neglect, not parenting). Unconditional parenting requires a high level of parental involvement.

Labelling punishments as a choice is unfair: "You chose a time-out by breaking the rule" So is calling it choice when there's only one real option: "Do you want to wash dishes now, or during your favorite TV show?"

Sometimes it isn't possible to give children a choice. When a decision has to be made for them and they resist, use the least intrusive method of getting them to comply. Be honest about the decision, and explain why they have to do it this way. Make it fun if you can. Let them see you accept unpleasant realities of life with grace. And let them make choices that affect their lives whenever it's feasible.

Unconditional Parenting: 8. Love Without Strings Attached

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

8. Love Without Strings Attached

This one is shorter because I found it less inspiring (it's old news to me) and I really want to get to chapter ten.



A How-to list that includes limiting the number, intensity, and scope of your criticisms and looking for alternatives to criticism. Our goal shouldn't be making a child feel rotten about himself (because now he's thinking about himself, rather than others who hisbehavior affects). Ideally, simply drawing a child's attention to the way his actions made someone else feel should be enough to make the point.

The most important part of this chapter explained why praising good behavior backfires. The gist is that, "When unconditional love and genuine enthusiasm are always present, 'Good job!' isn't necessary; when they're absent, 'Good job!' won't help.' Praising kids for good behaviors puts the focus on themselves and how to earn another praise, instead of where it should be--on the person at the receiving end of that action. A parent may acknowledge and notice a kind act, but not make a judgement call on it, or on the child. Say "You set the table! That makes it easier for me!" instead of, "you're a good helper!" Or ask what the child thinks of his painting when he shows it to you instead of making a judgement of whether it's 'good.'

Children need to draw satisfactions from their actions themselves and not look to others to approve or validate them for doing right.

How to Fold a Note Into an Envelope

How to Fold a Note into an Envelope

I have an obsession with envelopes. I previously posted a link about how to fold a bus note.

Unconditional Parenting: 7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

7. Principles of Unconditional Parenting

This is the heart of the book. Kohn lays out principles instead of providing exact steps and scripts to successful unconditional parenting. Charlotte Mason did that with her book suggestions: instead of giving a list of titles, she wrote up some principles so that parents could pick their own books.

Unconditional parenting focuses on working with the child, not doing to the child. We shouldn't ask ourselves how to make our child do what we want, but what our child needs, and how we can meet those needs needs.

1. Be reflective - search out your own reasons for doing what you do, be honest about your motives.

2. Reconsider your requests - is what you're asking fair? Is it important enough in the grand scheme of things to enforce it?

3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals - if your goal is to raise responsible, caring, creative children - does your reaction to her spilled milk or loss of temper assist those goals?

4. Put the relationship first - Being right isn't always what's most important. It's more important to have an atmosphere of trust and respect between parent and child.

5. Change how you see, not just how you act - This kind of parenting is a totally different perspective, a new paradigm, for many people. Try to see issues as opportunities to teach, problems to work through together, instead of as infractions to punish.

6. Respect - Don't talk about your kids as if they aren't there. Don't insist they must be cold, or that it isn't anything to be upset about. Respect kids enough to accept that they don't need us to tell them how they feel.

7. Be Authentic - be transparent, apologize if you're wrong. Don't be afraid of being knocked off your pedestal.

8. Talk less, ask more - Instead of demanding and then punishing the child for not complying, find out *why* they aren't complying. They may have a valid reason. Ask open-ended questions, not questions that require your pre-determined answer, such as, "what do you say when you bump your sister?"

9. Keep their ages in mind - remember that children may not be developmentally capable of being still, or being quiet, or whatever you're asking.

10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts - don't assume a child bumped his sister on purpose. Ask questions, find out *why* the child did what he did.

11. Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily - Maybe your child really can climb the stairs by himself. Why not let him try? Reflect and see if you can say 'yes' before you automatically say no.

12. Don't be rigid - Decide each situation on its own merit. Surprise your kids sometimes with a treat.

13. Don't be in a hurry - Rearrange your routine so that you're not constantly stressed about time - shop when you have time to let your child look around, get up earlier so there's less rush to get him out the door. This is especially true with toddlers.

Homeschool methods - What's Your Flavor?

Linda Fay wrote this post about choosing homeschool curriculum.

Unconditional Parenting: 6. What Holds Us Back?

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

6. What Holds Us Back?

We may know that control and conditional parenting are ineffective - so what keeps us from changing? We have to address the reasons we do what we do if we really want to change. Kohn lists several reasons why parents continue to do what they suspect isn't working.

We repeat what's familiar. The way we were parented and what we see everyone else doing seems normal and comfortable. Even when we know it isn't working, it's hard to break away from what we're used to.

As a society, in spite of what we say, we don't truly value children. Parents buy things to keep them occupied and out of the way, and society prefers well-behaved children (quiet, still kids - not real kids who are curious and energetic). It's acceptable to be disrespectful and rude to children. Although most children are harshly reprimanded (my own perception is that too many children are punished only after they've annoyed their parents, but they aren't always trained), the general perception is that today's kids are out of control and allowed to run wild--and need more spankings. But good parenting isn't necessarily harsh and authoritative. "Parents who seem oblivious to how their children are annoying strangers and getting into mischief are often equally oblivious to their children's needs. That's an argument not for more discipline, but for grown-ups to spend more time with kids, to give them more guidance, and to treat them with more respect." In other words, what the naughty little boy in Barnes and Noble really needs isn't a good spanking, but parents who will spend more time with him, loving and teaching him.

Parenting books tell us that we need to "win" our parenting battles--placing us in an adversarial position against our kids. Parents with a competitive need to win will tend to get impressive, well-behaved children at any cost. And parents who value conformity will pressure their kids to appear well-behaved, using whatever methods seem to enforce conformity.

Parents misjudge what kids are capable of doing--they assume they can dress themselves and them punish them when they can't. They may expect them to sit still, and them punish them when they can't.

As a culture, we have the idea of retribution and justice so ingrained in us that we feel a strong need to "make kids pay" when they do wrong, so we inflict suffering on them to appease our sense of vengeance even when it doesn't really teach the right lesson. The satisfaction of seeing them "get what they deserve" may override the long-range goals we have for raising our children.

Parents may over-react when they sense that they're losing control by being more controlling. In our fear of them running wild, we tighten the reins too much. There's no balance, just a wavering from one extreme to the other. Or, we let things go until we finally get aggravated enough to do something--and punishing is the only alternative we know. It's either let kids get away with stuff, or punish them--we don't know of anything in the middle.

Kohn says that harsh authitarian parenting has its roots in religion that preaches "Do what you're you're told; you'll become rich and get to watch your enemies die." But that's a caricature; Christians may be followers (like anyone else), but it's unfair to characterize them the way he does. More commonly, I see Christians jumping on the bandwagon of whatever is trendy, whether it's Dobson, Pearl/Train Up a Child, or Ezzo/Growing Kids God's Way. When churches hold gentle parenting seminars, Christians will do that just as readily. So I definitely disagree with Kohn - being a Christian doesn't automatically make a person a believer in harsh discipline, and throwing out religion isn't necessary to be a respectful, understanding parent who guides without over-control.

Our own limitations, anxieties, past misconceptions and scars can influence not only how we react to our kids, but how we perceive their actions. We may view innocent childhood immaturity (like carelessly breaking a vase) as deliberate naughtiness meant to hurt us--and then react to that. How we view ourselves--did we feel accepted as children ourselves?--can influence how we perceive our children. In fact, we may be so focused on our own unmet childhood needs, that we overlook our children. Some parents are distant and afraid of getting too close because of their own history.

Parents may be afraid that they'll be perceived as inadequate or even judged by others if their children aren't perfect, so they keep their kids under tight control. Or they may feel powerless if they don't maintain strict control. We may be too overprotective and not allow our kids to be kids. We may fear that our kids will be too babyish and rush them into independence (early potty training, early weaning, removing the pacifier and blankie) before they're ready. Or, we may be so afraid of becoming permissive that we lay down strict rules with harsh enforcement to keep permissiveness at bay.

Parents need to consider why they do what they do, and ask themselves, "Is it possible that what I just with them had more to do with my needs, my fears, and my own upbringing than with what's really in their best interests?"

Kwikila

We've had a two-week stretch of brown drought here, and in the last few days this poem has been coming to my mind over and over again. Beatrice posted it at the Beehive a couple of years ago. Unfortunately she didn't know the author, and as I can't find anything more about it online it will have to stay anonymous. It's no less powerful for that.



Kwikila

Two still-green trees rub together
as if for reassurance
that the wind that grates
will carry too;
carry clouds, heavy clouds,
full clouds and black;
to fall and to dampen,
to drench and to soak —
deep into the pores of the earth.

The stream-beds are paths
for the lizard and the snake;
the reed-beds are brown
and blackened — (last week,
another fire went along there)
and the boulders which
rolled along
in the floods are quite still;
still with the stillness
of tragedy brewing,
still with the stillness
of death.

Men curse the wind
for its transitory promises—
dark clouds build up
(and our hopes with them too)
and are blown away;
or, worse still, come over,
intact and inticing,
to cynically spatter
verandahs and faces
before passing on . . .

A desk — and textbooks strewn;
lately my eyes have been wandering
more and more. But my window
still frames the same picture
of a bright, empty sky
(called gorgeous in Sydney, where
storm clouds abound),
and grass, grey with despair—
dust hangs in a curl
(thrown up by a wheel);
it seems, almost, to have
been hanging there
for months now.

O Lord, I murmur,
and murmur again-

Please send us rain.




[In the calm of the evening the clouds broke today, and after two weeks we at last had rain. - Tim]

How Does a Poem Mean?

How Does a Poem Mean? by John Ciardi

I'm going to be reading this with Tim and J over the summer; we'll start Monday and plan to read 8-10-ish pages at a time, reading 6 days in the week, and hopefully finishing before Tim goes off to college and J starts school/co-op. Here is our schedule; if you have the book, we'd welcome some conversation as we read and post.

June 29-July 5
Introductory/C.h 1 How Does a Poem mean? pg 663-671
after Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Eve pg 671-677
Ch. 2 A Burble Through the Tulgey Woods pg 678-685
Folk Ballads pg 685-692
Edward pg 692-702
The Yarn of Nancy Bell pg 702-708

July 6-12
Ch. 3 By Rippling Pools pg 709-716
The Haystack in the Floods/The Listeners pg 716-721
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner pg 721-738
Mr. Flood's Party pg 738-744
The Eve of St. Agnes/Death of the Hired Man/Love Song of Alfred Prufrock pg 744-761
Ch. 4 The Words of Poetry pg 762-768

July 13-19
The Word in a Poem pg 768-774
The Phrase as a Form pg 774-781
Pier delle Vigne pg 781-790
6. The Language of good poetry is exact pg 790-795
Burning the Letters pg 796-802
Blue Girls pg 802-811

July 20-26
Poems for Study pg 811-818
Adonais pg 818-830
In Memory of WB Yeats pg 830-836
Dover Beach pg 836-845
Ch. 5 The Sympathetic Contract pg 846-852
When He Who Adores Thee pg 853-858

July 27-Aug 2
Lady, Was It Fair of Thee pg 858-863
Ch. 6 The Image and the Poem pg 864-872
A Valediction Forbidding Mourning pg 872-882
Ode on the Death of a Favorite Cat pg 883-892
This is Just to Say pg 892-900
Poems for Study pg 900-910

Aug 3-9
How Do I Love Thee pg 910-919
Ch. 7 The Poem in Motion pg 920-926
With Rue My Heart is Laden pg 926-934
Poems for Guided Study pg 934-945
To Mistress Margaret Hussey pg 946-953
Poems for Individual Analysis pg 953-964

Aug 10-16
Tom O' Bedlam's Song pg 964-972
The 'Revenge' pg 972-984
Early Evening Quarrel pg 984-993
Ch. 8 The Poem in Countermotion pg 994-998
The Fury of Aerial Bombardment pg 998-1004
Before Disaster pg 1005-1013

Aug 17-18
My Luve pg 1013-1022

School Schedules Done

I'm getting an early start on our planning for next year. Tim will be in college, and we'll be involved in two co-ops, a high school co-op for J, and a CM co-op (field trips, nature study) with L and Miss M. This past year, J struggled with the amount of schoolwork he had, and I didn't want to repeat that, plus we'll be having four-day weeks (we'll be losing a day to co-op). The recent CM Conference got me thinking that we need to re-focus on relationships, and start fresh with narrations. I had all of these thoughts rattling around in my brain, so I thought the best way to deal with that was to go ahead and have our plan on paper so I could tangibly see what our year will look like, school-wise.

I like to have a daily schedule (because when I don't, it's too easy to get nothing done at all). So I've made up J's and L's daily schedules for next year.

I also did a daily schedule for a student who's new to homeschooling and will be preparing for Year 7 next year - this is a version of Pre7 based partly on her reading level, and partly on the books they already had.

Miss M is four, and will be starting AO Year 0 a year from now.

Unconditional Parenting: 5. Pushed to Succeed

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
by Alfie Kohn

This chapter didn't grab my attention much because I don't know people who really pressure their children; this is something I hear caricatured more than I actually see it happen in real life. Jack Beckman said that Kohn tends to caricature parents to make his point, and I can see that. But I think most parenting writers do that.

5. Pushed to Succeed

Kids can feel stressed and depressed when their parents are more concerned about their future success than their well-being. It can drive kids to be competitive to win, rather than focusing on the more important purpose of doing well. They may assess their worth based on how they rate in class, or sports, or whatever. Sometimes those parents are after their own glory - the honor of being the parent of a success.

In school, rewarding children for good grades makes them less interesting in the learning itself. The focus on succeeding may make them choose the least challenging assignments. Not only is the grade their focus, but the fear of failure is too much of a risk to take on a challenge. They also tend to skim for answers instead of tackling tough questions and reflecting - so they don't learn to be deep thinkers. In school, just like in discipline, control tends to backfire. Worst of all is when parents offer acceptance and affection based on school grades.

In sports, parents sometimes pressure their kids to win, to be the best. Although parents may claim that they just want their kids to enjoy themselves, saying, 'we only want our son to do his best,' is a different message than telling him to have fun. It carries an implied pressure to win. Competitive sports can bring out the worst in parents.

Does competition motivate people to do their best? If children know they have our unconditional love and don't need to earn it, won't it make them lazy? Isn't it human nature to do as little as possible?

Children who know they're loved unconditionally will probably accept themselves and have positive self-regard without being arrogantly self-satisfied. Such a person isn't inclined to sit around and do nothing. They'll be more willing to take the risks of challenging projects because their self-worth isn't riding on the outcome.